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Today I read a great blog post by Peter Shankman - a well-known entrepreneur, author, speaker, and "worldwide connector," about his recent tweet that said this:

I love this message, and I completely understand where Peter is coming from.  I also love that Peter commands $400 an hour, and is not ashamed to state it openly.

Scores of folks agreed with Peter - more than 100 people retweeted his message, supporting it with gusto.  But at least one woman REALLY didn't like what she read.  In her blog post about it, she indicated that she thought Peter had grown too big for his britches with his social media fame and that he was, in fact, arrogant and rude to tweet this. 

After reading Peter's blog response to her and hers back, I'm still not 100% clear what she thought was rude and arrogant.  But I think it's about 1) his stating that he won't help folks for free, and 2) that he commands $400 an hour (much more than what many people can charge and what many people can pay) and wasn't shy to express that.

Peter's blog response clarified his thoughts on the whole matter, and after reading his message, I liked him even more!

So here are my two cents on this issue:

1) I have been inundated this past year with requests - from organizations, individuals, agencies, women's groups and colleagues -- for all types of FREE coaching and consulting help, and frankly, I'm tired of it.

2) Bravo to Peter Shankman for charging $400/hour, and having clients clamor for him, and pay that fee happily, because they feel he's worth it

3) Bravo to Peter for telling it like it is for him, out loud and proud

4) For those who are uncomfortable with that, I'd suggest taking a deep look inside to identify exactly what makes you squeamish about it.  I'd guess it has do with that fact that a) you don't command those fees and can't imagine doing so, or b) you're asking all sorts of people for free help without offering to give something back, or c) you're giving all sorts of free help, and you're tired of it, or d) you're uncomfortable in the presence of people who know their worth and aren't hesitant to shout it from the rooftops.

Today was a turning point for me on this issue.  I've decided (after one final straw that really got my goat) that this is my last day of giving my time away for free for my consulting or coaching.  I'm done with it!  My services, my time, my insights, my approach, my talents  - they've all come hard-earned after years of training, hard work, research, and dedication, and I'm done with devaluing them by giving them away for free.  Of course, I'll continue as I always have contributing pro bono work to the community as I choose to, where I choose to -- to special agencies and organizations that empower women and support those in need and who are disadvantaged.

But in my private practice, I'm committed to being vigilant about maintaining a healthy pricing discipline (very hard for women to do, in general, I've found).  After all, you don't walk into a car dealership wanting a shiny new car and ask to pay nothing for it, do you?  And you don't go to your dermatologist and say, "Hey, can I pick your brain FOR FREE about this terrible itchy rash I have?"

OK, folks, it's time we stop asking for free handouts.  Whatever you want to call it -- "pick your brain," "get your insights," "obtain your feedback" -- if you're asking me to use my consulting and coaching skills to help your business and your career, I'm respectfully asking for what I believe is only fair and just - to be paid what I deserve for helping you make the significant positive changes you want most in your life, work, and your business.

I'm sure this will stir up many thoughts and feelings in my readers and community.  I'd LOVE to hear them all!  Please share freely.  Let it rip.  That's what makes a good horse race, as my mother used to say.

Thanks for sharing openly below.  I'm looking forward to reading each of your comments and hearing your diverse views.

And here's to empowering you to up your daily dose of pricing discipline as well.

Last week, I held a free teleclass for women on the "5 Reasons You're Miserable at Work and What To Do About It," based on key findings from my national research with scores of working women across the country and my book Breakdown, Breakthrough.  More than 90 women signed up for the call, and they confirmed yet again what so many women have been unable able to say out loud until now, which is, "I'm unhappy at work, but I'm not sure exactly why or what to do about it!"

Whether you are a corporate professional, self-employed or in transition, if you need to find a different way to work, don't worry. Help is on the way!  And you're definitely not alone.

Below are what I've found to be the top five reasons so many women are dissatisfied and unfulfilled at work, along with concrete tips to revise your situation and change course today.

The top 5 reasons women are miserable at work are -

1. They find it impossible to balance work and family

2. They suffer from chronic financial distress
3. They struggle using skills and talents that aren't "natural" to them
4. They feel chronically undervalued and disrespected
5. They experience little joy or positive meaning in their work

If the above describes your experience, here are some tips to help you create an internal shift away from feeling trapped and disempowered, to feeling more confident, courageous and committed to making positive career change today. (And feel free to write me at Kathy@elliacommunications.com if you'd like a download of the recording of the call).

Tips for Positive Career Change:

1) Gain More Work-Life Balance

Balance is not going to just fall in your lap.  You have to claim it, and commit to getting it.  How?  First, determine the three most important priorities you are committed to achieving in your personal and in your professional life.  What are the three things that are vital to you to bring about -- that matter more than anything else?  Formulate these in terms of "to be" statements such as "to be a loving mother or "to be a successful entrepreneur" or "to be a helper of others."

Uncover the three top achievements that you are longing to bring about in your life and work and that you will not compromise on.  Then commit yourself to these.  Discover where you are over-functioning (doing more than is necessary, more than is healthy, and more than is appropriate) in your life, your family, and work, and let go of being perfect in the areas that don't matter as much to you.  Once you take these steps, you'll find that balance comes more easily to you, because you are being guided each day by the knowledge of what you want to create, and knowing you are 1000% committed to doing it.

2) Get Healthy with Your Money

To get out of chronic financial distress, you must become intimately connected with your money and begin to recognize your real intrinsic worth.  First, create a solid budget with strong financial goals, and stick to it.  Examine your spending - are you buying things in order to soothe your soul?  If so, stop over-spending.  Look at your beliefs around money that you learned as a child from living with your family.  Are your beliefs about money positive or negative, expansive or constricting? Do you believe you deserve wealth and abundance, or are you ashamed of the money you have or don't have?  Overall, the key to overcoming chronic financial distress is to heal your relationship with money through positive and healthy beliefs, actions, and choices.  Once you create a supportive money relationship, you will no longer stay in jobs that create financial distress or drain you of joy and energy.  You'll know your worth, and begin claiming it, on your professional path and otherwise.

3) Use Skills that Are Fun and Natural - 

It's vitally important to understand exactly what talents and skills are easy and fun for you to use, and then find a way (either in your existing job or in a new field or job) to tap these talents more frequently at work.  To get more in touch with what you love to do and what comes easily, take my free Career Path Assessment.  Figure out what you want to do more of, less of, and never again!  Often, what you love to do and what comes easily to you were apparent in your childhood, so start there.  What did you thoroughly enjoy as a kid that people noticed, admired and praised?  You might also realize in doing this exercise that just because you're great at a task or endeavor at work doesn't mean you like to do it!  The key to an easier and happier work-life is to use talents that come naturally and are fun to you, so that each day feels like a joy, not a struggle.

4) Claim Your Self-Respect

If you're chronically undervalued or mistreated at work and want people to change their treatment of you, you must start with SELF-respect.  How do you gain self-respect?  Through courageous action that inspires your own self-esteem - action that you know you should be taking, but haven't found the nerve to take.  Now's the time to become more authentic and real in your work. Speak up about who you are and what's important to you.  Make yourself right, not wrong.  If you know something needs to be communicated, figure out a way to do it as soon as possible.  Find an advocate or mentor at work to help you speak up in the right way so that you will be heard and respected for your viewpoint.  Start enforcing your boundaries so that you know exactly what you will tolerate and accept from others, and what you won't. 

5) Find Work that Gives Your Life Joy and Meaning

It's a myth in our culture that we can't make good money doing what we love.  However, it takes grit, determination, and courage to pursue a path that you love and to make it work for you financially.  If you want more joy and meaning -- and financial success at the same time -- determine what endeavors and activities make you joyful in your life, and begin today to bringing these forward.  The key is to understand 1) the essence of what you want, and then 2) find the right form of it. For instance, you might love to sing (as I do), and wonder if singing to earn money would make you happy.  To find out if a new path is right for you, research, research, research - interview people in the field, read all about the art and craft of singing professionally, take classes, find a mentor, and determine a way to "try it on' before you leap.  You might discover that earning money singing as a full-time living isn't for you, but you love to do on a part-time or hobby basis.  If that's the case, join a volunteer or community singing group each week, and honor this as a heart-aligned endeavor. 

If you discover that you want a different line of work from your current job, create a plan that allows you to 1) research thoroughly what you want to do, 2) "try it on" as a volunteer or on part-time basis, then 3) commit to moving toward this new path with a solid financial plan, support of family and friends (and a coach if you'd like one), along with a step-by-step blueprint for what it will take to reinvent your career.

The Ultimate Outcome - Joy!

It's up to you to create a career that you love, and you can do it!  Start today.  Let the top five reasons you're miserable at work be the catalyst you need to change your career and change your life.  Trust me on this one...once you step up to creating a career that excites you, you'll reach new heights you never thought possible. 

Lately, I've been asked to coach and speak with hundreds of working women each month around the issue of work-life balance and time management. 

Women are more stressed, strained and sick than ever, as these economic times have hit families, workplaces and corporate America so very hard.  If women's plates were full before, now they're piled sky-high, and teeter-tottering on the edge of the table, ready to crash onto the floor, breaking into a million pieces.

I have strong viewpoints (founded by years of direct high-level corporate experience, coaching work with thousands, and national research with women) about work-life balance and why women can't have it as their lives are today, unless they claim it.

My views aren't easy to hear or take in, but are important for women nonetheless, so here they are:

You won't ever have work-life balance or come even close to it, unless you power yourself up to get it.  Here's what's necessary:

1) You've got to fight for it.

Corporate America was built on the foundations of a "white male competitive career model" that simply doesn't fit women.  Jack Welch's recent comments about women and balance are old-fashioned, outmoded, and out of touch - they don't reflect the future, and what's going to be the new frontier for corporate America.  In the not so distant future (hopefully in our lifetimes), there will be a new model - one that makes room for women and for what they must have in order to live and thrive.  But we've got to fight for it.

If you're in corporate America at a mid to high level, for instance, and are being asked to do the impossible (do the work of three people, work until 3am, produce reports and analyses that are an utter waste of time but take hundreds of collective hours each month to prepare, come in for 8am meetings that are meaningless, and unproductive, etc.), then you MUST speak up.  You must fight for what's right and sensible and good business practice.  If your team is breaking down and so are you, then you simply can't continue this way.  You must speak up and fight.

If you can't speak up on your own (because you'll be crushed down by the machine), then find another way to make your voice heard.  Build a collective forum of women who can speak together, or find empowered female and male mentors and leaders who can speak for you.  Or go outside the company to networking meetings and events (and by the way, continually interview at other companies to keep your options and your mind open), and learn from others how they are making a positive difference, and making it work.

(FYI, for those men and women who wish to be advocates for other women in their workplaces, here is a list of initiatives that employers must take to support women in the workforce today).
 
Things won't change unless you fight for them to.  Fight for what's right and necessary for your health, sanity, and for good business practice, or you'll end up feeling so exhausted, beaten down, and demoralized that you'll drop out of the game.  That's fine, if you're doing it consciously, with awareness and choice. 

Which path do you want to take?  Which path do you consciously choose?  I know you believe you don't have any options right now, but you always have options and choices.  Figure out what they are.

2) You've got to ask for help at home, and deal with the consequences

You simply can't feel healthy and balanced when you're working like a dog at your job, and then come home and work like a dog there too.  It's not possible.

You must ask your spouse, children and others for support, to do their share, to step up to their responsibilities as fully-functioning members of the household.  And/or you need to hire help where it's essential and where you can.  Your husband may complain and say he can't do any more.  If that's what he says, it's critical to sit down together and analyze at the distribution of labor, and make it fairer.  It's up to you to do this.  He won't volunteer for this.

If you're an overfunctioner (doing more than what's necessary, healthy or appropriate - and the vast majority of women are), then your family and friends are used to you overfunctioning, and they (subconsciously) don't want you to stop. 

You have to shift yourself first - internally - and commit to stop doing too much, and decide what you'll scale back on, then do it.  Next, you'll have to deal with your family's initial anger and anxiety that suddenly, you're not doing everything.  It destabilizes the family dynamic at first, when you shift into doing only what's appropriate -- not more -- and it's not easy.  But you'll find a new stability, and they'll get over it, and so will you. 

You'll feel better, stronger, happier, less angry, and more like yourself again when you stop doing EVERYTHING.  But you must strengthen your boundaries so that you can handle the fear, insecurity, guilt and shame you'll feel initially at not being everything to everyone.

3) Stop being angry and start being accountable.

Finally, it's time to stop feeling angry, disrespected, depressed, resentful, overburdened, victimized, and powerless.  If you experience these emotions regularly, your life is asking you to grow, strengthen, and be accountable for how you are living and what you're creating.  No more excuses.

I know how hard this is to accomplish.  Just this morning, I blew it again, and got really angry for doing more than I should have for my children - I should have asked my husband to step in and help, but I didn't ask.  That's a common trait in me that I must be ever vigilant to detect, weed out, and revise.  I tend to get angry and yell when I'm overwhelmed and exhausted, but after I calm down, I see clearly how I simply offered (out of feeling like I HAD to) to do too much that day, and then blamed everyone else for it.  This type of behavior is very deeply rooted and dies hard, let me tell you.

So, my friends, today's the day.  Let's all figure out:

1) What specifically and concretely you are angry and exhausted about

2) What are you taking on that's too much - more than is healthy, appropriate and necessary

3) Why are you doing it?  What are your deepest fears around not doing everything, and being everything? What consequences are you deeply afraid of, if you say "no"?

4) To whom do you need to speak up?  What must you let go of?

5) If you're in a job that chronically works you to the bone, and no one listens to your pleas and demands for moderation, I'd suggest this:

•  Figure out what you really want for your professional and family life
•  Look at the real options at hand - get yourself out of your box and look at what's truly possible
•  Make a plan to get what you want
•  Power Up and Stand Up for yourself - strengthen yourself, your voice and your boundaries
•  Find an empowered outside helper/mentor/coach to help you create the life you really want

Today's action step - Don't waste another minute blaming someone else.  It's your life - claim it.  What one person, action, or limiting, negative belief can you say NO to, today?

"9 out of 10 women studied are experiencing at least one of the 12 crises working women face today, and over half don't know what to do about it.  On average, working women are experiencing three crises at the same time."

These 12 emotionally-devastating crises stand in the way of happiness, are not the same for women as for men.  If "happiness" is an experience of living well, liking yourself and what you're doing, feeling excitement, joy and fulfillment during many of the days of your life, and feeling "in the flow," the truth is this: the 12 hidden crises are preventing women from achieving happiness, and it won't get better unless women take strong and focused action.

As one who works with women all day every day, and as a woman, mother, and high-level professional myself, I have very solid views on what women think and experience in terms of happiness. 

Women's definition of happiness and their challenges in achieving happiness, are very different from men's.

Here are some key differences between men and women's experience of happiness:

1)       Work-Life Balance - The Number One Crisis for Women, not for Men

Women need to experience a sense of balance between their professional and personal identities to feel happy.  Because so many women work both inside the home and outside of it, these two colliding roles (and yes, they crash together powerfully in women more so then men) - and doing them well with a feeling of empowerment -- are vitally important to women's sense of success and happiness.

In Marcus Buckingham's stimulating column on the Huffington Post about Women's Happiness, he talks about women believing that there's no such thing as balance anymore.  He writes that, according to the women he interviewed, "They didn't talk about balance much at all. They seemed to realize that not only was a perfect equilibrium nigh on impossible to achieve, but also that even if they did manage to achieve it, it wouldn't necessarily fulfill them anyway--when you are balanced, you are stationary, holding your breath, trying not to let any sudden twitch or jerk pull you too far one way or the other. You are at a standstill. Balance is the wrong life goal. "

I, and the women I speak with, see it very differently.  Women are struggling and deeply longing for balance, in ways men can't relate to.  Why?  Because women are still shouldering the majority of domestic responsibility, including child and elder care, while holding down jobs.  They are handling much more of the work inside the home, and they are connected viscerally and emotionally to their success (and perfectionism) as caregiver in different ways than men are. 

Women feel more angst and guilt about what they are doing or not doing.  Women are chronic "overfunctioners" - and men are not.  They beat themselves up for what they are not doing well enough, and for focusing on themselves and their careers rather than their family life.  Why is this? I believe it's about cultural training, expectations, role modeling, and a bit about hardwiring when it comes to women's emotions, brain functioning, values, needs, and instincts around caring for their children.

Balance for women doesn't mean inertia - it means knowing what you love, doing it, and not eating yourself alive with guilt about what you are aren't accomplishing when you're focus on one thing (work), not the other (family) and vice versa. 

Lack of balance is the most severe crisis of the 12 hidden crises women are facing.  The balance women striving for is not "a pie in the sky" dream - it's an essential component of a happy life - a sense of empowered equilibrium in which women are standing strong and stable on equal footing, giving priority to what they care about and love, without falling apart in the process.  If women have given up on that, then they'll fail at being happy.

2) "White Male Competitive Career" Model Is Breaking Women

Further, at the risk of alienating some of my male readers, as a women's advocate I must state this well-researched phenomenon - women's inability to achieve balance is made more challenging by the existing "white male competitive career model" in place today in corporate America. 

Basically, the model has been constructed with underlying assumptions that successful professionals must adhere to the following rules: 1) follow a linear career path (no off-ramping and on-ramping), 2) focus on "full time" and "face time", 3) commit most intensively to their career development in their 30s and 40s (when many women are having babies), and 4) feel motivated best and most by power and money.

These are generalizations, yes, but overall, there is strong evidence that the male competitive career model in American today is a complete misfit and damaging for women, and it needs to be shifted to embrace and honor women's needs and values (click here for suggested employer initiatives that will address this ill-fitted model for women). 

What can women do to address these crises, and experience more happiness?

This is not a quick fix - it's a breakthrough process that takes time, energy, and commitment, but it works.  When women take the following actions, they experience more happiness and fulfillment in their lives and work:

1)       Grow stronger in identifying what really matters to you, uniquely and specifically

2)       Tune out what others tell you (men and women) about how to live your life - be your own expert on your happiness.  Trust yourself.

3)       Honor your values and needs from an empowered stance at work and at home - step up and take charge of yourself. Stop making excuses.

4)       Evaluate your family situation realistically. Ask for (demand, if necessary) a more fair distribution of the domestic responsibility.

5)       Stop overfunctioning and let go of perfectionism - focus hard on want you care about deeply, and let go of perfectionism in what you don't care as much about.

6)       Speak up and take action to bring about shifts at home and at your place of work and in the existing career model, so that they embrace and honor your needs and values

7)       Identify what your "ideal" life looks and feels like. Get empowered outside help to create a success action plan, with concrete goals and outcomes, to achieve your life visions.

Say Yes! to your happiness.  You can do it!

There are 11 more crises women face today that men do not experience in the same way as women.  Crises for women are characterized by "I can't do this" thinking -  a negative mantra that keeps them sad, sick and stuck.  While men experience some of these same crises, women internalize and process them differently, and each of these crises prevents women's happiness. 

Here is a sampling of the 12 hidden crises of women today:

- Suffering from chronic health problems

Failing health--a chronic illness or ailment--that won't respond to treatment  

The mantra: "I can't resolve my health problems."

- Losing your "voice"   

Contending with a crippling inability to speak up--unable to be an advocate for yourself or others, for fear of criticism, rejection, or punishment

The mantra: "I can't speak up without being punished."

- Facing abuse or mistreatment 

Being treated badly, even intolerably, at work--and choosing to stay

The mantra: "I can't stop this cycle of mistreatment."

- Feeling trapped by financial fears

Remaining in a negative situation solely because of money

The mantra: "I can't get out of this financial trap."

- Wasting your real talents  

Realizing your work no longer fits and desperately wanting to use your natural talents and abilities

The mantra: "I can't use my real talents."

- Doing work you hate

Longing to reconnect with the "real you"--and do work you love

The mantra: "I can't do work that I love."

Be Your Own Happiness Expert - Take My Breakthrough Challenge!

Please take my challenge this month - Ask yourself, then 10 women and 10 men you know the following questions:

1)       How do you define "happiness?" 

2)       Are you experiencing happiness, by and large?

3)       If not, what gets in the way?

4)       If you are experiencing happiness on a regular basis, how do you achieve it?

Compare the answers between men and women, and let me know what you learn.

Key questions for the week - What do YOU think are the differences between men's and women's views and experiences of happiness?  How are men and women different in achieving happiness as they define it, and what does that difference mean to you?  Finally, how can women achieve more happiness in their lives? 

Please share your views!!  A diverse, open, and supportive dialogue is the first step to breakthrough.