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In a recent Harvard Business Publishing blog on "Can 'Nice Girls' Negotiate?," Whitney Johnson writes about the negative repercussions of women negotiating for themselves in the workplace.  Her piece is right on, from my perspective, and reflects the volumes of both qualitative and quantitative research recently about women, culture, expectations and the challenges they face in the nation's workforce.

I'm always fascinated by the range of comments these posts elicit, from complete agreement to vitriolic dissension to something in between.  One individual wrote:

"I'm not sure this is a man vs. woman thing. Men can ask for a raise/promotion and don't get it as well. The trick is to ask for something that you know you're able to get (studying your value in the company, as well as the company's financial stance). Note that you don't have to deserve the raise in order to get it."

I'd bet you anything that this comment is from a man.  Women know exactly what they're facing in the workplace, yet men are still slow to recognize and acknowledge it. 

My two cents:

I couldn't agree more with this article.  As a women's career coach and work-life researcher, and from my national study with hundreds of professional women about the 12 hidden crises working women face today, it's abundantly clear - with research to support it.  Women are often viewed and evaluated negatively when displaying the exact same traits that successful professional men exhibit - speaking up, challenging, negotiating, using powerful language of leadership, etc. 

It IS a gender thing, folks.  But this doesn't mean men are out to get us.  Not at all.  This means that women are dealing with deeply-ingrained cultural stereotypes and gender role definitions that create challenges in terms of what women can successfully say and do in business, and how they're judged when they do it. 

So what to do about this?  Just what Ms. Johnson suggests...women must speak up for themselves, and be completely prepared for the consequences. We simply can't change this dynamic if we stay mum.  It's time for a breakthrough movement for women, and for that to occur, women have to act. 

Question of the week - As a working woman, are you able to speak up and negotiate for yourself well?  How does it go for you when you do?  Please share your tips and successes  - all comments are welcome!

"9 out of 10 women studied are experiencing at least one of the 12 crises working women face today, and over half don't know what to do about it.  On average, working women are experiencing three crises at the same time."

These 12 emotionally-devastating crises stand in the way of happiness, are not the same for women as for men.  If "happiness" is an experience of living well, liking yourself and what you're doing, feeling excitement, joy and fulfillment during many of the days of your life, and feeling "in the flow," the truth is this: the 12 hidden crises are preventing women from achieving happiness, and it won't get better unless women take strong and focused action.

As one who works with women all day every day, and as a woman, mother, and high-level professional myself, I have very solid views on what women think and experience in terms of happiness. 

Women's definition of happiness and their challenges in achieving happiness, are very different from men's.

Here are some key differences between men and women's experience of happiness:

1)       Work-Life Balance - The Number One Crisis for Women, not for Men

Women need to experience a sense of balance between their professional and personal identities to feel happy.  Because so many women work both inside the home and outside of it, these two colliding roles (and yes, they crash together powerfully in women more so then men) - and doing them well with a feeling of empowerment -- are vitally important to women's sense of success and happiness.

In Marcus Buckingham's stimulating column on the Huffington Post about Women's Happiness, he talks about women believing that there's no such thing as balance anymore.  He writes that, according to the women he interviewed, "They didn't talk about balance much at all. They seemed to realize that not only was a perfect equilibrium nigh on impossible to achieve, but also that even if they did manage to achieve it, it wouldn't necessarily fulfill them anyway--when you are balanced, you are stationary, holding your breath, trying not to let any sudden twitch or jerk pull you too far one way or the other. You are at a standstill. Balance is the wrong life goal. "

I, and the women I speak with, see it very differently.  Women are struggling and deeply longing for balance, in ways men can't relate to.  Why?  Because women are still shouldering the majority of domestic responsibility, including child and elder care, while holding down jobs.  They are handling much more of the work inside the home, and they are connected viscerally and emotionally to their success (and perfectionism) as caregiver in different ways than men are. 

Women feel more angst and guilt about what they are doing or not doing.  Women are chronic "overfunctioners" - and men are not.  They beat themselves up for what they are not doing well enough, and for focusing on themselves and their careers rather than their family life.  Why is this? I believe it's about cultural training, expectations, role modeling, and a bit about hardwiring when it comes to women's emotions, brain functioning, values, needs, and instincts around caring for their children.

Balance for women doesn't mean inertia - it means knowing what you love, doing it, and not eating yourself alive with guilt about what you are aren't accomplishing when you're focus on one thing (work), not the other (family) and vice versa. 

Lack of balance is the most severe crisis of the 12 hidden crises women are facing.  The balance women striving for is not "a pie in the sky" dream - it's an essential component of a happy life - a sense of empowered equilibrium in which women are standing strong and stable on equal footing, giving priority to what they care about and love, without falling apart in the process.  If women have given up on that, then they'll fail at being happy.

2) "White Male Competitive Career" Model Is Breaking Women

Further, at the risk of alienating some of my male readers, as a women's advocate I must state this well-researched phenomenon - women's inability to achieve balance is made more challenging by the existing "white male competitive career model" in place today in corporate America. 

Basically, the model has been constructed with underlying assumptions that successful professionals must adhere to the following rules: 1) follow a linear career path (no off-ramping and on-ramping), 2) focus on "full time" and "face time", 3) commit most intensively to their career development in their 30s and 40s (when many women are having babies), and 4) feel motivated best and most by power and money.

These are generalizations, yes, but overall, there is strong evidence that the male competitive career model in American today is a complete misfit and damaging for women, and it needs to be shifted to embrace and honor women's needs and values (click here for suggested employer initiatives that will address this ill-fitted model for women). 

What can women do to address these crises, and experience more happiness?

This is not a quick fix - it's a breakthrough process that takes time, energy, and commitment, but it works.  When women take the following actions, they experience more happiness and fulfillment in their lives and work:

1)       Grow stronger in identifying what really matters to you, uniquely and specifically

2)       Tune out what others tell you (men and women) about how to live your life - be your own expert on your happiness.  Trust yourself.

3)       Honor your values and needs from an empowered stance at work and at home - step up and take charge of yourself. Stop making excuses.

4)       Evaluate your family situation realistically. Ask for (demand, if necessary) a more fair distribution of the domestic responsibility.

5)       Stop overfunctioning and let go of perfectionism - focus hard on want you care about deeply, and let go of perfectionism in what you don't care as much about.

6)       Speak up and take action to bring about shifts at home and at your place of work and in the existing career model, so that they embrace and honor your needs and values

7)       Identify what your "ideal" life looks and feels like. Get empowered outside help to create a success action plan, with concrete goals and outcomes, to achieve your life visions.

Say Yes! to your happiness.  You can do it!

There are 11 more crises women face today that men do not experience in the same way as women.  Crises for women are characterized by "I can't do this" thinking -  a negative mantra that keeps them sad, sick and stuck.  While men experience some of these same crises, women internalize and process them differently, and each of these crises prevents women's happiness. 

Here is a sampling of the 12 hidden crises of women today:

- Suffering from chronic health problems

Failing health--a chronic illness or ailment--that won't respond to treatment  

The mantra: "I can't resolve my health problems."

- Losing your "voice"   

Contending with a crippling inability to speak up--unable to be an advocate for yourself or others, for fear of criticism, rejection, or punishment

The mantra: "I can't speak up without being punished."

- Facing abuse or mistreatment 

Being treated badly, even intolerably, at work--and choosing to stay

The mantra: "I can't stop this cycle of mistreatment."

- Feeling trapped by financial fears

Remaining in a negative situation solely because of money

The mantra: "I can't get out of this financial trap."

- Wasting your real talents  

Realizing your work no longer fits and desperately wanting to use your natural talents and abilities

The mantra: "I can't use my real talents."

- Doing work you hate

Longing to reconnect with the "real you"--and do work you love

The mantra: "I can't do work that I love."

Be Your Own Happiness Expert - Take My Breakthrough Challenge!

Please take my challenge this month - Ask yourself, then 10 women and 10 men you know the following questions:

1)       How do you define "happiness?" 

2)       Are you experiencing happiness, by and large?

3)       If not, what gets in the way?

4)       If you are experiencing happiness on a regular basis, how do you achieve it?

Compare the answers between men and women, and let me know what you learn.

Key questions for the week - What do YOU think are the differences between men's and women's views and experiences of happiness?  How are men and women different in achieving happiness as they define it, and what does that difference mean to you?  Finally, how can women achieve more happiness in their lives? 

Please share your views!!  A diverse, open, and supportive dialogue is the first step to breakthrough.

As so much national research is revealing, women are sadder and sicker than ever before, and more so in midlife than in other times of their lives. 

Here's recent Huffington Post piece about the sad and shocking truth about women.

There's speculation abounding about why, but no real answers.  Further, with men still being named the research experts on women (so irksome!), the headway is slow in uncovering the real truth.

Based on my seven years of research with thousands of women nationwide, there are seven hidden reasons why women are struggling deeply today, and failing to find success, health, joy, or purpose:

1)       An Ill-Fitted Career Model: The current competitive career model simply doesn't fit women

2)       An Extreme Overload: The current gender roles don't work - women are still doing the vast majority of domestic responsibility even when they work or are the primary breadwinners

3)       "Who can I look up to?"  There are very few female role models - from the past or present -- of successful, happy, powerful and healthy women who work and raise a family

4)       "I'm not supposed to!"  Women are culturally trained NOT to do the things required of them to lead happy, healthy, powerful lives (including: speaking up, feeling confident and powerful, displaying self-esteem and leadership, knowing what you want and having an intensive focus in getting it, putting yourself first, etc.)

5)       "What do I choose?" Women are paralyzed by all the options in front of them (children, work, domestic responsibilities, rising to high ranks, working out of the home or in, having their own business vs. corporate job, etc).

6)       "I'm ashamed." - Women feel guilt and shame about where they are and what they feel today, and about pursuing steps that will help them gain power and self-actualization

7)       Women Are Tough on Women - Women are very hard on themselves and other women -- critical and punishing in their actions and beliefs -- especially to other women.  Why?  Because they're struggling and have been for years, and people who are in pain and struggling are not generous and giving.

All of these obstacles hit women hard.  Men do not face these crises in the same ways. 

Wake up world!!  Women are radically different from men and that's a good thing!  They differ in their values, priorities, dreams, styles, visions, but they're told somehow that it's not ok to be different.  Women are struggling hard, but ashamed of their differences, and continually hide or deny their suffering.

The time is now!  Let's help women step up to what they truly want, to create a breakthrough in how they live and work.  For this to happen, women must accept who they are authentically, power up and step up to get what they want, and stop making excuses.

It's time for women to give themselves permission to choose the life of their dreams, and get 3000% committed to having it!

Please reach out today (crisis is the perfect time to reinvent) if you need a breakthrough in your life.  Take advantage of my FREE 30-minute coaching strategy call to help you 1) gain clarity on what you want, 2) understand what's holding you back, 3) create a powerful plan to achieve your goals. 

Every day you don't move toward breakthrough, is a day that's stolen from your life.  What are you waiting for?

I was very happy to see that in a recent NY Times article, the widespread phenomenon of women bullying other women at work was explored in depth.  It touched on the various factors that contribute to and exacerbate women bullying women, and I'd like to add my two cents.

In my 18-year corporate life, I experienced a great deal of bullying from women, most of which came from female bosses and a handful of "equals" in the political hierarchy.  These experiences were traumatic, and I had no clue how to effectively navigate through them, mostly because they were so surprising and painful, and also because these women wielded great power and authority in the organization.  It felt like these ladies were "out to get me" or simply relished being cruel, but I always questioned how or why this could be.

I was, for the most part, strong and authoritative at work, and often, that strength would beget jealousy and anger from my female coworkers (interestingly, not from my male colleagues or bosses, who seemed to enjoy and respect the strength and confidence).

Once, one of my female counterparts in marketing indicated to me - in a cruel way - that an email I had sent to senior management (about my belief that we needed to explore a new business model as the current one was at risk of obsolescence), had been the "nail in my coffin."  I hadn't known I was in a coffin!  I realize now that she was an active participant in building this "coffin" and driving the nail even further with her mighty hammer!

Please don't get me wrong - I'm no saint.  I did my share of back-stabbing too.  But after years of work (therapy training helped!), I've gained critical awareness of when I'm at risk of putting other women down.  Also, I feel better about myself than I did in the past, which makes room for empathy and compassion rather than cruelty.  I have a new-found vigilance about not allowing that cruel, back-stabbing, insecure little girl in me get the better of me, when I feel afraid or threatened.  I slip up sometimes, but I'm working on it.

So why do women hurt other women at work?  I could write a whole book about this, but I believe there are some potent underlying reasons:

·     Women are experiencing enormous pressure and stress (more now than ever), and haven't learned effective ways to deal with it, so they turn on others

·     Women target other women because they feel insecure, and also believe women won't fight back as hard as men will

·     Women continually feel threatened and anxious in their positions in the workplace, and have a mentality of  "it's you or me" with regard to women

·     Corporations, from the top, often encourage this type of competitive warfare and infighting

·     There are precious few forums for women at work to experience each other as supportive, empathetic, and encouraging

·     From an early age, girls/women have been culturally trained to deal with their anger and insecurity through insidious ways -- back-stabbing and gossiping, etc. -- rather than dealing with their problems and conflicts head-on, directly, and overtly.

I'd love to see in my lifetime a reversal of this damaging trend for women at work (and in the world at large).  Can women evolve, stretch, and grow to the point where their deepest wish is to help and support other women, rather than hurt and diminish them? Can they learn to deal with their own insecurities and anxieties in more positive ways?

What do you think is at the heart of women bullying women at work, and what can we do about it?  Please share - we need to fuel a powerful dialog on this issue, and continue to create positive movement.

Yesterday, Penelope Trunk, who writes a very thought-provoking blog - The Brazen Careerist -- on careers and life trends today, mentioned my book Breakdown, Breakthrough (click here for yesterday's post)

She addressed a recent comment I made about women needing to stop over-functioning domestically, as they step up to greater financial responsibility for their households and emerge more predominant on the US workforce scene. 

Penelope's thoughts were (as I understood them), that asking men to step up their role in the arena of domestic responsibility, (and clean the toilets, for instance) was just not going to happen, and we should let it go.   In fact, she indicated she thought it was "bad" to ask men to do more at home.

I truly appreciate Penelope's insights - always fascinating and thought-provoking. But I must add to the numerous comments that were offered on her blog that my point is women need to shift away from our deep and rigid habit of "overfunctioning" - doing more than is necessary, more than is appropriate, and more than is healthy (at home, in our parenting, at work, etc.).  My research shows that women do indeed overfunction in many arenas, and it's making us angry, stressed, and sick ...and it's holding us back in life. 

From my view, it's time to reverse this detrimental pattern, as well as address gross gender inequities.   Women still do the lion share of domestic work, even when they work outside the home, and even when they are the primary breadwinners.  As a women's advocate, a mom, wife, and small business owner, I know this no longer works.

But women's overfunctioning domestically is not irreversible.  We (both men and women, and new generations) can change.  It's certainly not impossible, and it's not hopeless. I know...I have a marriage in which we both work our tails off as full-time business owners, yet we share the domestic responsibilities and raising our two children (not the toilets, but almost everything else!)  

I find it so interesting that women tend to resist this notion even more than men - that there needs to be more of an equal share in domestic responsibility.  Why do women fight this? 

What do you think?  Should men step it up at home, or not?