Recently in Kathy Caprino Category

I follow slews of fascinating people through their blogs and Tweets, and today I read a compelling blog post written by Scott Stratten who runs his company, Unmarketing. I simply love what this guy has to say!  I find his ideas and posts so interesting, authentic, funny, insightful and just plain old great.

Here's his latest blog about What If I Didn't Use Twitter:

http://www.un-marketing.com/blog/2010/02/22/what-if-i-didnt-use-twitter

I was moved to write a comment on his post, which is here:

Scott - I love your description of what you've learned and received from Twitter.  My guess is that you're the kind of person who gets enormous benefits out of anything you dive into.  But that being said, there's something about the Twitter experience that helps you stretch into wild new territories that you've been deeply longing for, but didn't even know it!  It's so damn powerful - to connect with thousands of people, to use your voice in new ways, to put your one-of-a-kind ideas out there, to develop a tough-enough skin so that you can shrug off the occasional snarkiness of others, and to feel the love and support of one-time strangers who become dear friends.  Love your work, Scott!

When people ask me "Do I really need to use Twitter," I have so much to say about it that I don't know where to begin.  So I'll begin here...

Who Gets the Most Out of Twitter? 

People who:

1) Have something of interest to say

2) Don't care to just blather on about the everyday minutiae of their lives (most people's lives are boring - let's face it!)

3) Enjoy giving as much or more as they do receiving

4) Have a generous, kind spirit and can support others' thinking and work

5) Understand that using Twitter effectively is about building relationships and is not a "get rich quick" scam

6) Get the fact that what you put into something directly correlates with what you get out of it

7) Don't use it as a way of talking about how great they are, and how they can make you rich

8 ) Do use it as a way to become better, bigger, smarter, funnier, more helpful  - more of who you really are at your core

So, if you're wondering what you can get out of using Twitter, I'd say this:

With an attitude of openness, curiosity, commitment, and generosity, you can get:

-          New friends

-          New ideas for books, writing, projects, seminars, talks, etc.

-          New interests and passions

-          New customers and supporters

-          New ways to see yourself and your life and work

-          New coping skills for when strangers write you and say your ideas stink

-          New like-minded colleagues to partner with

-          New directions to pursue that light you up

-          New ways to make money

-          New, helpful insights about yourself - what you're great at and what you're not so great at

It occurred to me that what Twitter has brought to us might have some parallels to when television first emerged on the scene -  it opens up a fascinating new avenue through which you can connect to a whole new world of ideas, feelings, perspectives, teachings, directions, along with passionate, inspiring people who have so much to share and give.  That is, if you're selective about what you choose to focus on.

So have at it, friends!  And as Scott Stratten says, I LIVE for comments, so please leave yours.

Happy National Speak Up and Succeed Day!  (Thanks, Diane DiResta, for reminding me!)

As I do the work I do each day - giving seminars to women's groups or connecting with new colleagues to partner with, working with my support team or communicating with my clients - I've begun to notice something quite interesting about how people work.

There are two fundamental ways in which people attempt to expand themselves in the world.

These two ways are:

Collaborating with others in a respectful and empowering way, to help each other be all you both wish to be

Or

Attempting to crush out the competition through snarky, denigrating, and low-spirited tactics

Which approach are you engaged in?

The first approach encourages you to:

• Feel good in your interactions
• Expand your skills and know-how
• Experience yourself as purposeful and beneficial in your interchanges
• Learn more about how to do what you love to do and how you are special
• Discover new skills and endeavors you're capable of
• Grow faster and more effectively through positive synergy

The second approach encourages you to:

• Feel lousy and critical about your interactions
• Constrict your thinking about what you're capable of
• Mistake yourself as someone who is higher and more important in the hierarchy
• Believe that there simply isn't enough to go around
• Remain stuck in the jealous, insecure "Am I good enough?" mode
• Move slower, with less success, ease, and fulfillment

In short, collaboration allows you to Say Yes! to yourself, to others and to expanding yourself to what you truly long to do.  Fearful competition keeps you stuck in the constricting, "NO" mode.

How can you tell cut-throat competition when you see it?

Here are some key hallmarks:

1) Language and action that indicates, "I'm smarter, better, richer, more successful than you."

2) Over-selling - making a point over and over again so that the receiver ends up saying "OK already!"

3) Deep insecurity about being challenged or receiving constructive feedback

4) A lack of receptivity, compassion, and openness to learning from and being with others

5) An energy of "take, take, take" without giving back

6) A haughty or superior energy/attitude that says, "I'm father along the path than you, and you'll have to learn the hard way, like I did."

Be mindful about whom you choose to associate with in the world and how you go about getting what you want.  The "how" of your approach is more impactful than specific tactics you use.  Overall, if your colleagues, partners, and friends are individuals who make you and others feel great about themselves in an authentic and enlivening way, then they're on the right track, and so are you.

On the other hand, if you, your associates or friends are stuck in the diminishing, competitive "there's not enough to go around, and I'm getting my piece!" mode, it's time for a breakthrough to a collaborative spirit.  Without it, the path you're headed down will most certainly take you where you don't want to go.

Happy New Year, Friends!  Hope your holidays were beautiful.

As we're on to a new year and decade, there have been skillions of articles and blogs published about how to create what you want in this new chapter of our lives.

I like to be a contrarian, and offer up ideas in opposition to the norm, to get us thinking.  Towards that end, here's one:

Let's NOT create New Year's Resolutions this year.

I'm not a fan of resolutions.  It seems that "resolutions" are somehow associated with failure...the things we say we are going to do, but in the end, don't achieve, because we lack the commitment, energy, drive, or wherewithal to complete them.
 
Let's not make resolutions this year.  Let's do something different.  Let's designate "areas of intensive focus" and watch what emerges as the year unfolds. 

Here's my plan:

I've written down four outcomes that are very important to me - areas or experiences that I have now but want more of in my life -- that I intend to focus on going forward. 

To me, focus is everything. If we can determine in some detail what we want to create, understand and validate why we want to create it, then look intently for new opportunities and possibilities around that particular goal or outcome, success happens (or at least we progress towards it in a much easier, fun, and fulfilling way than would otherwise occur). 

Wonderful occurrences and synchronicities that we simply couldn't expect or predict fall into our experience, as we focus intently on our desired outcomes.  New doors open, new friends and supporters make themselves known, new lessons learned, new paths revealed.  If we don't focus intently on what we want to create, we miss so many chances for moving forward on the path we long for.

Here's what my "intensive focus" areas for 2010 look like:

Focus Area #1:
What Do I Want More Of?
Creating high-demand national seminars, products, and training programs that give women the tools they long for to transform their challenges into breakthrough to a new level of great success. 

Why Do I Want It?
Because these programs will help teach women how to manage and shape their lives successfully on their own terms, and be great fun and reward for me to share and participate in this learning and teaching process. 

Focus Area #2:
What Do I Want More Of?
Attracting coaching and consulting clients whom I LOVE to work with and who love to work with me.

Why Do I Want It?
Because coaching groups and one-on-one with folks who resonate with me energetically and in their thinking and behavior, is great joy to me, and allows me to interact in deeply personal ways to help people make the changes they long for.

Focus Area #3:
What Do I Want More Of?
Learning as much as I can (then sharing back that wisdom) about what contributes to abundant success - personal, professional, financial, and spiritual - in the lives of women across all generations.
 
Why Do I Want It?
I love to research human behavior and thinking, then develop my own personalized "model for change."  Researching abundant success represents the next level for me - it will teach me lessons I'm yearning to learn, and also help others who've had an initial transformative breakthrough, but now want more.

Focus Area #4:
What Do I Want More Of?
To treasure and appreciate and receive deeply -- in every cell of my body -- all the bountiful blessings in my life now and those blessings that are forthcoming.  My blessing list is long, and includes my precious children, husband, health, parents, family, friends, work, creative endeavors, and the list goes on.

Why Do I Want It?
I'm not so hot at receiving.  It's an area I definitely want to grow in.  When I am in the place of full-on receiving, it feels absolutely fantastic physically and emotionally, and the effects are long-lasting and delicious.  I'm ready for more receiving! (Thanks to my new financial consultant and colleague, Denise Hughes, for facilitating that powerful revelation).

That's it for me.  Out with the resolutions, and in with some intensive focus on what I love in my life, and what I'd love to create more bountifully this year. 
 
So how about you?  Will you do the above exercise for your 2010?  What would you like to focus on creating this year, and why? 

Let's skip the resolutions, and replace them with a validation of your heartfelt longings, and your clear-sighted focus on what you're passionate about, and what you want more of this year.

This is YOUR year.

As I'm sure you have, I've been receiving skillions of "Happy Holidays and New Year!" newsletters and emails, many of which are beautiful and touching.  I'm grateful for these lovely reminders and chances to reflect on this past year, and what my hopes and dreams are for 2010.

I've decided not to send a "Happy Holidays" email, but instead, to write to you here, and thank you for being a part of my cherished community.  It's quite a blessing - to blog regularly and to receive fascinating, diverse, often passionate comments from steadfast readers who follow your words and thoughts, and care enough to share their insights.  It's a privilege, and I'm most grateful for it.

This season carries with it beautiful childhood memories for me - of fuzzy, fat Christmas tree lights, of smooth skating on frozen ponds (I grew up in upstate NY after all!), of the splendor of snow falling lightly on trees, of out-of-tune caroling with young friends around the neighborhood, and of family basking by a fire dancing with multicolored flecks (created by a "magic" powder my dad would throw in!).  When we have these warm and comforting childhood memories, they color our experiences well into the future, giving us rose-tinted recollections to savor for many years.

For me, this is a beautiful season.  No matter what challenges have come before, this season softens the rough edges and rounds out the year with celebration, family, reflection, and gratitude.

I hope this season -- that brings to a close such a deeply challenging and humbling year -- has been beautiful for you too. 

May your 2010 be what you dream it to be -- as expansive and glorious a vision as you can hold.

Happy holidays to you.

In a recent Harvard Business Publishing blog on "Can 'Nice Girls' Negotiate?," Whitney Johnson writes about the negative repercussions of women negotiating for themselves in the workplace.  Her piece is right on, from my perspective, and reflects the volumes of both qualitative and quantitative research recently about women, culture, expectations and the challenges they face in the nation's workforce.

I'm always fascinated by the range of comments these posts elicit, from complete agreement to vitriolic dissension to something in between.  One individual wrote:

"I'm not sure this is a man vs. woman thing. Men can ask for a raise/promotion and don't get it as well. The trick is to ask for something that you know you're able to get (studying your value in the company, as well as the company's financial stance). Note that you don't have to deserve the raise in order to get it."

I'd bet you anything that this comment is from a man.  Women know exactly what they're facing in the workplace, yet men are still slow to recognize and acknowledge it. 

My two cents:

I couldn't agree more with this article.  As a women's career coach and work-life researcher, and from my national study with hundreds of professional women about the 12 hidden crises working women face today, it's abundantly clear - with research to support it.  Women are often viewed and evaluated negatively when displaying the exact same traits that successful professional men exhibit - speaking up, challenging, negotiating, using powerful language of leadership, etc. 

It IS a gender thing, folks.  But this doesn't mean men are out to get us.  Not at all.  This means that women are dealing with deeply-ingrained cultural stereotypes and gender role definitions that create challenges in terms of what women can successfully say and do in business, and how they're judged when they do it. 

So what to do about this?  Just what Ms. Johnson suggests...women must speak up for themselves, and be completely prepared for the consequences. We simply can't change this dynamic if we stay mum.  It's time for a breakthrough movement for women, and for that to occur, women have to act. 

Question of the week - As a working woman, are you able to speak up and negotiate for yourself well?  How does it go for you when you do?  Please share your tips and successes  - all comments are welcome!

In launching my new national research study on Women Succeeding Abundantly: Why and How They Do It, one key question we're addressing is: What is abundant success to you?

Here's my personal working definition:

Abundant success means that you are:

• Confident and complete in who you are
• Fully aligned and authentic in all roles you play in life and work
• Deeply appreciated and valued
• Comfortable, confident and empowered in your relationship with money
• Earning exactly what you want to be earning
• Outwardly honoring your inner values and principals
• Living full-out, with passion, power, and purpose
• Making a positive difference in the lives of others
• Consciously stretching to your full potential
• Aware of why you're on the planet, and living that purpose
• Conscious of the fact that you have full responsibility, ownership, and accountability for your life, and feel good about that knowledge
• Having a great time living the abundant life you've created, on your terms

To me, if you can say these things about yourself, abundant success is yours!

Please share your unique definition of abundant success.  I'd love to hear.  What is it, and are you living it?  If not, why not?  And if you are living your version of abundant success, please write to me at Kathy@elliacommunications.com.  I'd love to interview you!

Thanks, and here's to your abundant success,

Kathy

This Sunday, we buried my father-in-law.  He died suddenly, out of the blue, in a matter of minutes.  His body just shut down, and he left the planet.  He had been in a nursing home for only 6 weeks.

As with any major event in one's life, a death in the family creates a gap in space and time, in which you're pushed to take stock, and look long and hard at your own life to see where it's heading and the impact it's having.

Watching the end point of life unfold, some things went through my mind about life, and what it is to live a "successful" one.

Here's what came to me:

1) Our lives are a vast accumulation of all that we've said, done, made others feel, encouraged others to do, and of what we've left behind - fragments of energy and light that have made a mark.

2) Success in life can be determined by answering these questions - "Did you, by and large, experience joy, love and support, and give it in return?  Did you learn (and overcome) what you came here to learn?  And did your life have a positive impact?

3) When you leave the planet, will you be missed?  If so, it's probably because of cherished qualities you helped others see in themselves (their beauty, value, brilliance, capability, goodness) that they couldn't see on their own.

4) Finally, what's the meaning of life?  I certainly don't have the answers, but I do know this...we have this precious chance, these 80 or so years, to live life full out, without regrets, without shame, without reservation  -- to experience all of the life, love, joy, passion, and courage we can, and to be all that we came here to be.

I'm determined not to waste this chance. 

Wishing you and yours a joyous Thanksgiving.

I've had some very interesting revelations this week about my business as it is today, and about those individuals with whom I resonate best and most, and where I dream to take my work in the next five years.

Here's what I realized:

1) I am where I am - that feels good

After an 18-year corporate career that was outwardly very "successful" but inwardly a very deep and long-lasting struggle, I spent eight years reinventing and transformed to a new professional identity I love.  I then became an "expert" and advocate of women's reinvention, because that's exactly what I'd done well -  breaking through the 12 "hidden" crises working women face today, and reclaiming my life.  I conducted a national research study with over 100 women to learn more about how to break through crisis and transform, and I wrote a book about it to help others do the same.  It's been all about breaking through.

2) But now I want to go somewhere else - and that feels better

Now, however, I want something else, something more than breakthrough, to offer others.  I consider myself "successful" both inwardly and outwardly, but now I am committed to ABUNDANT success - tremendous, free-flying, fantastic success (in key dimensions that matter to me) that blows my socks off with joy, fulfillment and empowerment.  I'm committed to creating a fantastically successful life and career.  I have new dreams - clear, crisp, and shiny.

To create/achieve that, I need more - more of myself, more knowledge, more insight, more strength, more energy, more perspective, more focus, and more risk.  To access that in myself, I'm doing what I love best to inspire me, yet again.  I'm reaching out to women I admire deeply - those who consider themselves abundantly success on their terms - and I'm learning from them.  I've found there are no better teachers than those you respect and admire who are doing what you'd like to, how you'd like to do it.

This week, I launched a new national research study Women Succeeding Abundantly - How and Why They Do It, and already, after just two interviews - Shama Kabani and Janet Hanson -  my socks have been blown off.  Why?  Because what I expect to hear from folks who've achieved something that I admire, is never what I end up hearing and learning.  It's all very new and different from what I assumed.  (Stay tuned for more on these powerful interviews).

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister when she was in high school and I in middle school.  She was imparting to me her pearls of wisdom about dating and popularity, and told me that where people stood in the dating pool resembled being on a rung of a big, universal ladder - you are where you are, but you want to date someone who is one rung higher than you (that's the dream anyway).  And you don't want to go down a rung on your ladder!

Funny, I feel like I'm on a ladder - not one about popularity or "hierarchy" but an "energetic" ladder representing where I am and where I want to go.  I'm standing on my rung, arms outstretched, reaching toward my next rung - my future self -- and am looking up, smiling and breathless.  I'm seeing on this rung other tremendously successful and empowered women who have carved out a BIG life on their terms, and are loving it and making it work abundantly. 

These women are having fantastic success in the key aspects of their lives that they care most about - whether that's family, home, personal, professional, financial, relationships, well-being, creativity, intimacy, contribution  - you name it, they're doing it.  These women don't subscribe to the notion that they can't have it all - they simply don't see it that way.  They believe in choosing to commit to the areas that mean the world to them, and then they going after these goals/outcomes with boundless gusto and commitment.

The lesson for me in all of this is - At any given moment, each of us is vibrating at certain energetic "level" that brings to us and creates in our lives exactly what we're ready for, deep-down.  But then - suddenly and inexplicably -- we want more and we want different, and we're ready to create it.

So it's time.  I want to step up to the next rung of the ladder of my life, to create abundant success.  I'm ready for the chin-up.  Are you?  Yes!!  Please come up with me!

Question of the week: What do you feel you're ready for now - what's your next "rung?"  What do you see for yourself and your life when you step onto that rung?  And will you commit to stepping up to it now?

My wonderful coaching clients ask me frequently, "How do I know if this is the right step?  I'm just so confused." 

To get clear on the next step to take that will be ultimately beneficial for you, answer these three questions first, then move on the path to making your decision.

There are three powerful questions to consider before you address any significant decision:

1) Do you have enough information to make this decision?  If not, get it.

2) Is it the right time to make this decision - if not, then wait.  If so, take the steps listed below.

3) How important is this decision?  If it's not at all important to your life, stop agonizing, and use your gut to tell you what direction to go in, and just do something.

If the time is right to make your decision, and you have enough information to do it, then follow this process:

1) Shift your mindset about decisions and next steps

First, disengage yourself from needing to believe that there is an ultimate "right" outcome to anything.  There isn't.  Life is a cycle, a process, a flow, not a final destination.  You'll never "get there."  It's all about experiencing life fully, NOW, and loving it.  Forget about outcome, and look at "process" - explore what you think this step will bring to you, along with the process of living that this step will allow you to engage in.  In other words, will this next step encourage you to grow, stretch, be excited, enlivened, and expand yourself?  If so, there's a great deal of benefit in it.

2) How does it make you feel to consider it?

In my marriage and family therapy training, one professor said that "feeling" is the "F" word - because a therapist and client talking just about feelings can be a slippery slope of not leading to any interventions that truly help a person move forward.

In this case, however, gaining awareness of how you feel is vitally important.  Watch yourself as you explore this next step or potential decision.  Do you feel energized, excited, with your heart beating?  Or do you feel like taking a nap, exhausted, depressed and hopeless.  How you feel, and the shifts in your energy level when you're evaluating a potential decision are highly indicative of what your heart and soul really want to do.

3) Look at what holds you back - is it all fear-based?

Write out all the pros and cons to the decision you're facing.  Then look at the cons...are they all fear-based ("what if", anxiety-ridden thinking)?  If so, you're most likely getting stuck in your limited beliefs and ego-based thinking that tell you that you simply can't embrace this challenge or step because you'll fail or the unknown is too scary.  The unknown doesn't have to be scary - if you embrace it as a way to be more of yourself.

4) What does your intuition/gut tell you to do?

Decisions are best made when you combine logical, linear thinking with intuitive-based wisdom that comes from a higher place.  Your logical thinking helps you identify all the pros and cons (see #3) from an intellectual perspective, but your intuition has a farther-reaching view, one that sees a bigger picture of who and where you truly want to go, and what you're capable of. 

Get in closer touch with your internal guiding wisdom and intuition.  Start today by developing a deeper inner dialog.  Ask questions of yourself on a continual basis, and listen for the answers, then follow them!.  Begin by asking simple "yes" or "no" questions (should I take this route or that one to get to my destination, should I stop here or wait a bit, etc.), and begin hearing what your intuition tells you.  Find the place in your body where your feel your intuition most (your gut, throat, back of your neck, heart, etc.) and begin incorporating the messages of your intuition in every decision you make.

*  *  *  *  *

Ultimately, each decision you make is the right one, because you made it, and you did your best at the time, and because it inevitably led to something that was important for you to experience.  Going forward, make your decisions with fuller awareness, choice, and a belief that everything you experience will ultimately lead to something greater in yourself.  Then, every decision will feel like (and be) the right one. 

If you have a decision to make today: get the info you need, don't make assumptions about what you're capable of, do your best, stop worrying, and start living.

Question of the week: What decisions have you made that at first seemed to be a mistake, but later opened up great new possibilities for you?

This week, two ongoing clients of mine simply forgot they were scheduled for a coaching session, and just didn't call.  When talking to them later, they apologized profusely, with sincere embarrassment, and told me they were crashingly busy, and their week got away from them  -- they simply forgot (or had neglected to write it down).

When stuff happens in my life -- in twos and threes like this -- I like to try to wrap my head around if there's something for me to learn or do differently, or if it's just a random occurrence not worthy of any major evaluation or analysis.  After all, sometimes in life (as a friend of mine likes to say), "A butterfly is just a butterfly."

In this case, I think there is something to look at...that perhaps making time for self-examination and self-discovery is a bit daunting in the face of everything else going on for these folks this week.    Perhaps an "I forgot" really means, "I can't take this in, this week. I'm just not up for it.  I will be ready again soon, but not this week."  And I really get that.

What would be even more beneficial would be if each of us grew in our awareness of this feeling, and said out loud, "I'm a bit overwhelmed right now, and can't tackle anything more this week."  After all, we've all had moments/periods like that.  There's no shame in it.

To answer my own question, then, do I take these types of occurrences personally (that a few folks are forgetting to call in on a given week?)  Actually, no, I don't (please let me know if you think I'm crazy!)  Per the powerful Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz, I work on avoiding taking things personally, because it gives me greater freedom not to, and an increased ability to keep an open heart and mind.  After all, whatever you want and need is up to you, as is the way you choose to communicate it.  In the end, I'm happier and less self-conscious when I don't take things personally.

Question of the day: What do you take really personally, and what can you just let go of instead?  I'd love to hear your views.

Here's to letting it all go, and feeling freer to just be ourselves and letting others do the same.