Recently in Inspiration for Change Category

Someone (I can't remember who unfortunately) recently shared with me the saying, "Turn your mess into a message." 

I simply love that - perhaps because without realizing it, I've been doing that for a full eight and a half years since 9/11, and since I woke up and decided to transform my (messy) life and career.  I had, and still have, a good deal of mess to transform into messages!

This week, I had a powerful shifting realization, thanks again to my dear friend and financial consultant Denise Hughes, that one of my most intractable "messes" is around my resistance to "ease."  Ease is not something that has been a part of my professional identity or life.  In my twenty-seven years as a contributive professional, there's been nothing easy about it. 

Sure, I've achieved things I'm very proud of and excited about, and I've met many of my large goals.  But still - I can't say that any of it came "easily."  No way, no how.

This week, as I was exploring the idea of ease and why I resist it so fiercely, I had a very painful memory flash.  It was of my early teen life.  I recalled clearly how someone close to me used to say to me (and to everyone else) in a very critical and hateful tone, "Everything comes so easily to Kathy."  This person used to brandish those words like a weapon, as if it were a terrible thing to have an easy life, and that it simply wasn't fair, because her life was hard.  The implication was that God shined his light on me, and cruelly bypassed her, leaving her thwarted and miserable. 

As I tossed that memory around in my mind, I experienced the real 'aha'- I realized that all these years - my whole 49 years on this planet -- I've internalized the belief that if things come easily to me, then I don't deserve them.  Wow...

Believing I'm not deserving of ease has two damaging aspects -  first, deep down, it tricks me into believing that I don't deserve all the good that I've created or attracted, and secondly, it traps me in a fearful place, worried that others will judge me negatively, hold me apart from themselves, be envious of me, and think I am not worthy of what I have.

Well...I can tell you that as of this minute, I'm DONE with my resistance to ease.  Done, gone, finished.  I'm shifting it consciously.  Be gone!

Here's what my spirit knows to be true - When things come easily, it means you are in the flow - of life, of yourself, of your soul and spirit.  It's not a bad thing that things come easily to you.  It's supposed to be easy.  When you have ease, it means that you have consciously and completely given up your resistance to ease, and your attachment to struggle.

Each day, I receive an inspirational email message from a neat group - Mike Dooley's TUT Adventurers Club - and recently got this message worth savoring and embracing:

"Kathy, it's supposed to be easy.  Everything is supposed to be easy.  Everything is easy.  You live in a dream world. You're surrounded by illusions, and the illusions change when you change your thinking!

Tell yourself it's easy.  Tell yourself often.  Make it a mantra.  Eat, sleep, and breathe it.  And your life shall be transformed.

It's supposed to be easy."

(From Mike Dooley's Notes from the Universe)

I'd add this - if ease is not your experience, there's most likely something blocking you from believing you deserve or want ease.  Please take the time this week to dig deep and explore what might be keeping you from believing you can and will have ease from this moment forward, and that having ease is what you deserve.  You are strong enough to have ease, and to handle the envy of others who don't.

Ease is beautiful, perfect, and as it should be, for you and for me.  Let's allow it into our lives, together, now.

In a recent Harvard Business Publishing blog on "Can 'Nice Girls' Negotiate?," Whitney Johnson writes about the negative repercussions of women negotiating for themselves in the workplace.  Her piece is right on, from my perspective, and reflects the volumes of both qualitative and quantitative research recently about women, culture, expectations and the challenges they face in the nation's workforce.

I'm always fascinated by the range of comments these posts elicit, from complete agreement to vitriolic dissension to something in between.  One individual wrote:

"I'm not sure this is a man vs. woman thing. Men can ask for a raise/promotion and don't get it as well. The trick is to ask for something that you know you're able to get (studying your value in the company, as well as the company's financial stance). Note that you don't have to deserve the raise in order to get it."

I'd bet you anything that this comment is from a man.  Women know exactly what they're facing in the workplace, yet men are still slow to recognize and acknowledge it. 

My two cents:

I couldn't agree more with this article.  As a women's career coach and work-life researcher, and from my national study with hundreds of professional women about the 12 hidden crises working women face today, it's abundantly clear - with research to support it.  Women are often viewed and evaluated negatively when displaying the exact same traits that successful professional men exhibit - speaking up, challenging, negotiating, using powerful language of leadership, etc. 

It IS a gender thing, folks.  But this doesn't mean men are out to get us.  Not at all.  This means that women are dealing with deeply-ingrained cultural stereotypes and gender role definitions that create challenges in terms of what women can successfully say and do in business, and how they're judged when they do it. 

So what to do about this?  Just what Ms. Johnson suggests...women must speak up for themselves, and be completely prepared for the consequences. We simply can't change this dynamic if we stay mum.  It's time for a breakthrough movement for women, and for that to occur, women have to act. 

Question of the week - As a working woman, are you able to speak up and negotiate for yourself well?  How does it go for you when you do?  Please share your tips and successes  - all comments are welcome!

This Sunday, we buried my father-in-law.  He died suddenly, out of the blue, in a matter of minutes.  His body just shut down, and he left the planet.  He had been in a nursing home for only 6 weeks.

As with any major event in one's life, a death in the family creates a gap in space and time, in which you're pushed to take stock, and look long and hard at your own life to see where it's heading and the impact it's having.

Watching the end point of life unfold, some things went through my mind about life, and what it is to live a "successful" one.

Here's what came to me:

1) Our lives are a vast accumulation of all that we've said, done, made others feel, encouraged others to do, and of what we've left behind - fragments of energy and light that have made a mark.

2) Success in life can be determined by answering these questions - "Did you, by and large, experience joy, love and support, and give it in return?  Did you learn (and overcome) what you came here to learn?  And did your life have a positive impact?

3) When you leave the planet, will you be missed?  If so, it's probably because of cherished qualities you helped others see in themselves (their beauty, value, brilliance, capability, goodness) that they couldn't see on their own.

4) Finally, what's the meaning of life?  I certainly don't have the answers, but I do know this...we have this precious chance, these 80 or so years, to live life full out, without regrets, without shame, without reservation  -- to experience all of the life, love, joy, passion, and courage we can, and to be all that we came here to be.

I'm determined not to waste this chance. 

Wishing you and yours a joyous Thanksgiving.

I've had some very interesting revelations this week about my business as it is today, and about those individuals with whom I resonate best and most, and where I dream to take my work in the next five years.

Here's what I realized:

1) I am where I am - that feels good

After an 18-year corporate career that was outwardly very "successful" but inwardly a very deep and long-lasting struggle, I spent eight years reinventing and transformed to a new professional identity I love.  I then became an "expert" and advocate of women's reinvention, because that's exactly what I'd done well -  breaking through the 12 "hidden" crises working women face today, and reclaiming my life.  I conducted a national research study with over 100 women to learn more about how to break through crisis and transform, and I wrote a book about it to help others do the same.  It's been all about breaking through.

2) But now I want to go somewhere else - and that feels better

Now, however, I want something else, something more than breakthrough, to offer others.  I consider myself "successful" both inwardly and outwardly, but now I am committed to ABUNDANT success - tremendous, free-flying, fantastic success (in key dimensions that matter to me) that blows my socks off with joy, fulfillment and empowerment.  I'm committed to creating a fantastically successful life and career.  I have new dreams - clear, crisp, and shiny.

To create/achieve that, I need more - more of myself, more knowledge, more insight, more strength, more energy, more perspective, more focus, and more risk.  To access that in myself, I'm doing what I love best to inspire me, yet again.  I'm reaching out to women I admire deeply - those who consider themselves abundantly success on their terms - and I'm learning from them.  I've found there are no better teachers than those you respect and admire who are doing what you'd like to, how you'd like to do it.

This week, I launched a new national research study Women Succeeding Abundantly - How and Why They Do It, and already, after just two interviews - Shama Kabani and Janet Hanson -  my socks have been blown off.  Why?  Because what I expect to hear from folks who've achieved something that I admire, is never what I end up hearing and learning.  It's all very new and different from what I assumed.  (Stay tuned for more on these powerful interviews).

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my sister when she was in high school and I in middle school.  She was imparting to me her pearls of wisdom about dating and popularity, and told me that where people stood in the dating pool resembled being on a rung of a big, universal ladder - you are where you are, but you want to date someone who is one rung higher than you (that's the dream anyway).  And you don't want to go down a rung on your ladder!

Funny, I feel like I'm on a ladder - not one about popularity or "hierarchy" but an "energetic" ladder representing where I am and where I want to go.  I'm standing on my rung, arms outstretched, reaching toward my next rung - my future self -- and am looking up, smiling and breathless.  I'm seeing on this rung other tremendously successful and empowered women who have carved out a BIG life on their terms, and are loving it and making it work abundantly. 

These women are having fantastic success in the key aspects of their lives that they care most about - whether that's family, home, personal, professional, financial, relationships, well-being, creativity, intimacy, contribution  - you name it, they're doing it.  These women don't subscribe to the notion that they can't have it all - they simply don't see it that way.  They believe in choosing to commit to the areas that mean the world to them, and then they going after these goals/outcomes with boundless gusto and commitment.

The lesson for me in all of this is - At any given moment, each of us is vibrating at certain energetic "level" that brings to us and creates in our lives exactly what we're ready for, deep-down.  But then - suddenly and inexplicably -- we want more and we want different, and we're ready to create it.

So it's time.  I want to step up to the next rung of the ladder of my life, to create abundant success.  I'm ready for the chin-up.  Are you?  Yes!!  Please come up with me!

Question of the week: What do you feel you're ready for now - what's your next "rung?"  What do you see for yourself and your life when you step onto that rung?  And will you commit to stepping up to it now?

This week, two ongoing clients of mine simply forgot they were scheduled for a coaching session, and just didn't call.  When talking to them later, they apologized profusely, with sincere embarrassment, and told me they were crashingly busy, and their week got away from them  -- they simply forgot (or had neglected to write it down).

When stuff happens in my life -- in twos and threes like this -- I like to try to wrap my head around if there's something for me to learn or do differently, or if it's just a random occurrence not worthy of any major evaluation or analysis.  After all, sometimes in life (as a friend of mine likes to say), "A butterfly is just a butterfly."

In this case, I think there is something to look at...that perhaps making time for self-examination and self-discovery is a bit daunting in the face of everything else going on for these folks this week.    Perhaps an "I forgot" really means, "I can't take this in, this week. I'm just not up for it.  I will be ready again soon, but not this week."  And I really get that.

What would be even more beneficial would be if each of us grew in our awareness of this feeling, and said out loud, "I'm a bit overwhelmed right now, and can't tackle anything more this week."  After all, we've all had moments/periods like that.  There's no shame in it.

To answer my own question, then, do I take these types of occurrences personally (that a few folks are forgetting to call in on a given week?)  Actually, no, I don't (please let me know if you think I'm crazy!)  Per the powerful Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz, I work on avoiding taking things personally, because it gives me greater freedom not to, and an increased ability to keep an open heart and mind.  After all, whatever you want and need is up to you, as is the way you choose to communicate it.  In the end, I'm happier and less self-conscious when I don't take things personally.

Question of the day: What do you take really personally, and what can you just let go of instead?  I'd love to hear your views.

Here's to letting it all go, and feeling freer to just be ourselves and letting others do the same.

In a powerful article in the Harvard Business Review called "Women and the Labyrinth of Leadership" authors and researchers Drs. Alice Eagly and Linda Carli explore women, leadership and gender equality, and observe that "signs of a pause in progress toward gender equality have appeared on many fronts."  They speculate about the causes of this slowing of progress, and indicate:

"It may simply be that women are collectively catching their breath before pressing for more change. In the past century, feminist activism arose when women came to view themselves as collectively subjected to illegitimate and unfair treatment.  But recent polls show less conviction about the presence of discrimination, and feminism does not have the cultural relevance it once had. The lessening of activism on behalf of all women puts pressure on each woman to find her own way."

This statement coincides precisely with what I've observed in my research with hundreds of working women over these past several years.  I've noticed that while throngs of women are more than willing to share their stories of traumatic challenge and crisis, they are not at all ready to stand up and fight for what they need and want. 

When I speak with executive women at Fortune 100 companies, for instance, the depth of despair is palpable about how challenging and out of control their lives are, but the courageous stand-up-and-fight mentality is not present.  They're still afraid to speak up.

An inspiring friend and colleague of mine, Krista Reiner, who supports authors in expanding their platforms and audiences to the next level, asked me today, "Does there have to be crisis and conflict in order for change to come about?"  I say yes, because change is incredibly difficult and frightening to most people.  Significant social change comes only after struggle and conflict.  Social change is generated when there is a collective commitment to bringing about a dramatic shift away from what is no longer tolerable, fair, or viable.

If you think about yourself and all the women you know, how would you answer these questions?

- By and large, are we fulfilled with our lives and our careers?

- If not, are we taking solid, powerful action to change our lives?

- Do we know what we want, and have a plan to get it?

When I went through my worst heartbreaking and crushing crises in the late 1990s up through 9/11, I'd have to answer the above questions with a resounding "NO!"  I was miserable and chronically sick, but despite some feeble efforts here and there, I simply didn't take enough forward-moving action to create any real change at all. 

Why?  Because deep down, I didn't want to do it.  I wanted what I had to work for me.  I didn't want to give up all that I thought I'd achieved after years of hard work (money, "security," self-esteem from being an executive, power, etc.).  What I know now is that the very things that held me hostage in a crushing life were the things I was most afraid of giving up.

If this resonates with you, I hope and pray that you'll take some courageous action today.  Let's activate ourselves toward change - let's become activists in our own lives.  Please don't wait until you have one of the hidden crises (or all 12 - as I did) that working women face today.  Please...take action and make a change and speak up for your life today.

I'd love to hear your views about what holds you back from making change in your life.  Are you too stressed to do it, or just catching your breath?  Is change just around the corner for you or do you have to fight for it?   Please share your thoughts. 

I hold onto the belief that a breakthrough movement for women is just one breath away.  Let's take the breath.

Here's a quick rundown on five tactics for gaining more strength and power in your life and work, beginning today:

1)       Do the inner work you have to do - I've had more than a few folks tell me lately that they really don't want to do the deep re-evaluation and exploration work necessary to create more success and fulfillment.  In essence, they want it done for them or given to them.  My view - that just ain't gonna happen (and why would you want it to)?    

Tip: Do the inner and outer work necessary to 1) figure out what you really want, 2) figure out the best way to get it, 3) figure out what you need to shift and change to get it, and 4) determine what you'll give up to have it.  Then go get it.

2)       Learn from others - In many of my seminars and talks to women, there are always one or two individuals who come up to me afterwards and share with me that they didn't want to hear the views or experiences of others - they just wanted to focus on their own issues/problems.  But being teachable and understanding that we're all alike in vital ways and can learn from others, is an essential ingredient to power and success.  Let connection feed you, not drain you.

            Tip: Let go of your inner narcissist.  Stop focusing exclusively on yourself.  Start connecting - listening to and learning from others.  There's a wealth of wisdom, knowledge and perspective out there for you to benefit from.

3)       Stop thinking "making great money means soul-sucking misery" -  If I hear one more time, "Yeah, Kathy, this career fulfillment stuff is nice, but I've got to pay the mortgage," I'm going to spit.  Of course we have to pay our bills and stay afloat, but when are folks going to realize that paying your bills DOESNT inherently, inevitably mean sacrificing your soul to do it, and being miserable.  We think it does because we've mistakenly told ourselves that lie our entire lives - that making great money = soul-crushing work.  Making the money you truly need doesn't mean you have to get sick, depressed, lose yourself, hate yourself, and sacrifice everything that means anything to you, just so you can pay your mortgage. 

      Tip: Figure out the new path you desperately long to take, and begin step-by-step to create it, with money-making and meeting your needs as a key goal.  No more excuses.

4)       When you don't know what you want to do, first focus on "essence," then on "form" - When you're really stuck as to what you want to do next, focus on figuring out the "essence" of what you want first in your life and work, and worry about the right "form" of it only as a second step.  An example: let's say you adore singing and always have, and you hate your corporate job.  You might be thinking, "All I want to do is quit this job, and start singing for a living. I think I'd love that!"  To that, I'd say, "Wait a minute!"  Making a living as a singer (for instance) can be excruciatingly difficult.  Most performers say, "Do this only if you can't NOT do it!"  So before you jump into what new job/career that you've been fantasizing about, figure out if it's something you truly can't live without doing and if you're suited to a life of it. 

      What are the inner qualities, traits (the essence) of the thing you long for - what do you think this thing will give your life that you don't have now?  Ask yourself, "What does singing give to me?"  Your answers might be that singing brings you: entertainment, the joy of creating something beautiful, the reward of making music with others, creativity, harmony, fun, stimulation, physical exertion that's also relaxing, surrounding yourself with beautiful sounds, etc.  

      After you know specifically what singing (or the thing you're fantasizing about) gives you, then see if you can bring forward any parts of that "essence" into your current life/career.  If not, then start evaluating and researching what that might mean for you in terms of changing your job/career to embrace more of the essence of what you long for.

            Tip: Explore what lights you up, what gives you passion, and why.  They determine if there are any ways you can bring those endeavors forward in your life today, without a wholesale reinvention, if possible.

5)       Get Tough - Power Up Your Boundaries - To get what you want in life, you have to be strong and confident.  You have to protect yourself from all those who would suck your energy dry, use you, take advantage of you, make you feel guilty for not doing more than you should for others, and diminish you.  You can't have a powerful life if you're giving over all your power to others (including your children, spouse, boss, employer, friends, relatives, etc.).

            Tip: Think about where you feel exhausted, angry, depressed, resentful, and start there.  To whom do you need to say "no" and why aren't you saying it?  It's time to say more "No!" to others, and more "Yes!" to yourself, and time to speak up.  Just do it.

Question for the day: In what ways do you struggle in terms of feeling powerful and confident?  And what have you done to successfully increase your power in areas where it's shaky?

Thanks for sharing, and many happy breakthroughs,

Kathy

Lately, I've been asked to coach and speak with hundreds of working women each month around the issue of work-life balance and time management. 

Women are more stressed, strained and sick than ever, as these economic times have hit families, workplaces and corporate America so very hard.  If women's plates were full before, now they're piled sky-high, and teeter-tottering on the edge of the table, ready to crash onto the floor, breaking into a million pieces.

I have strong viewpoints (founded by years of direct high-level corporate experience, coaching work with thousands, and national research with women) about work-life balance and why women can't have it as their lives are today, unless they claim it.

My views aren't easy to hear or take in, but are important for women nonetheless, so here they are:

You won't ever have work-life balance or come even close to it, unless you power yourself up to get it.  Here's what's necessary:

1) You've got to fight for it.

Corporate America was built on the foundations of a "white male competitive career model" that simply doesn't fit women.  Jack Welch's recent comments about women and balance are old-fashioned, outmoded, and out of touch - they don't reflect the future, and what's going to be the new frontier for corporate America.  In the not so distant future (hopefully in our lifetimes), there will be a new model - one that makes room for women and for what they must have in order to live and thrive.  But we've got to fight for it.

If you're in corporate America at a mid to high level, for instance, and are being asked to do the impossible (do the work of three people, work until 3am, produce reports and analyses that are an utter waste of time but take hundreds of collective hours each month to prepare, come in for 8am meetings that are meaningless, and unproductive, etc.), then you MUST speak up.  You must fight for what's right and sensible and good business practice.  If your team is breaking down and so are you, then you simply can't continue this way.  You must speak up and fight.

If you can't speak up on your own (because you'll be crushed down by the machine), then find another way to make your voice heard.  Build a collective forum of women who can speak together, or find empowered female and male mentors and leaders who can speak for you.  Or go outside the company to networking meetings and events (and by the way, continually interview at other companies to keep your options and your mind open), and learn from others how they are making a positive difference, and making it work.

(FYI, for those men and women who wish to be advocates for other women in their workplaces, here is a list of initiatives that employers must take to support women in the workforce today).
 
Things won't change unless you fight for them to.  Fight for what's right and necessary for your health, sanity, and for good business practice, or you'll end up feeling so exhausted, beaten down, and demoralized that you'll drop out of the game.  That's fine, if you're doing it consciously, with awareness and choice. 

Which path do you want to take?  Which path do you consciously choose?  I know you believe you don't have any options right now, but you always have options and choices.  Figure out what they are.

2) You've got to ask for help at home, and deal with the consequences

You simply can't feel healthy and balanced when you're working like a dog at your job, and then come home and work like a dog there too.  It's not possible.

You must ask your spouse, children and others for support, to do their share, to step up to their responsibilities as fully-functioning members of the household.  And/or you need to hire help where it's essential and where you can.  Your husband may complain and say he can't do any more.  If that's what he says, it's critical to sit down together and analyze at the distribution of labor, and make it fairer.  It's up to you to do this.  He won't volunteer for this.

If you're an overfunctioner (doing more than what's necessary, healthy or appropriate - and the vast majority of women are), then your family and friends are used to you overfunctioning, and they (subconsciously) don't want you to stop. 

You have to shift yourself first - internally - and commit to stop doing too much, and decide what you'll scale back on, then do it.  Next, you'll have to deal with your family's initial anger and anxiety that suddenly, you're not doing everything.  It destabilizes the family dynamic at first, when you shift into doing only what's appropriate -- not more -- and it's not easy.  But you'll find a new stability, and they'll get over it, and so will you. 

You'll feel better, stronger, happier, less angry, and more like yourself again when you stop doing EVERYTHING.  But you must strengthen your boundaries so that you can handle the fear, insecurity, guilt and shame you'll feel initially at not being everything to everyone.

3) Stop being angry and start being accountable.

Finally, it's time to stop feeling angry, disrespected, depressed, resentful, overburdened, victimized, and powerless.  If you experience these emotions regularly, your life is asking you to grow, strengthen, and be accountable for how you are living and what you're creating.  No more excuses.

I know how hard this is to accomplish.  Just this morning, I blew it again, and got really angry for doing more than I should have for my children - I should have asked my husband to step in and help, but I didn't ask.  That's a common trait in me that I must be ever vigilant to detect, weed out, and revise.  I tend to get angry and yell when I'm overwhelmed and exhausted, but after I calm down, I see clearly how I simply offered (out of feeling like I HAD to) to do too much that day, and then blamed everyone else for it.  This type of behavior is very deeply rooted and dies hard, let me tell you.

So, my friends, today's the day.  Let's all figure out:

1) What specifically and concretely you are angry and exhausted about

2) What are you taking on that's too much - more than is healthy, appropriate and necessary

3) Why are you doing it?  What are your deepest fears around not doing everything, and being everything? What consequences are you deeply afraid of, if you say "no"?

4) To whom do you need to speak up?  What must you let go of?

5) If you're in a job that chronically works you to the bone, and no one listens to your pleas and demands for moderation, I'd suggest this:

•  Figure out what you really want for your professional and family life
•  Look at the real options at hand - get yourself out of your box and look at what's truly possible
•  Make a plan to get what you want
•  Power Up and Stand Up for yourself - strengthen yourself, your voice and your boundaries
•  Find an empowered outside helper/mentor/coach to help you create the life you really want

Today's action step - Don't waste another minute blaming someone else.  It's your life - claim it.  What one person, action, or limiting, negative belief can you say NO to, today?

"9 out of 10 women studied are experiencing at least one of the 12 crises working women face today, and over half don't know what to do about it.  On average, working women are experiencing three crises at the same time."

These 12 emotionally-devastating crises stand in the way of happiness, are not the same for women as for men.  If "happiness" is an experience of living well, liking yourself and what you're doing, feeling excitement, joy and fulfillment during many of the days of your life, and feeling "in the flow," the truth is this: the 12 hidden crises are preventing women from achieving happiness, and it won't get better unless women take strong and focused action.

As one who works with women all day every day, and as a woman, mother, and high-level professional myself, I have very solid views on what women think and experience in terms of happiness. 

Women's definition of happiness and their challenges in achieving happiness, are very different from men's.

Here are some key differences between men and women's experience of happiness:

1)       Work-Life Balance - The Number One Crisis for Women, not for Men

Women need to experience a sense of balance between their professional and personal identities to feel happy.  Because so many women work both inside the home and outside of it, these two colliding roles (and yes, they crash together powerfully in women more so then men) - and doing them well with a feeling of empowerment -- are vitally important to women's sense of success and happiness.

In Marcus Buckingham's stimulating column on the Huffington Post about Women's Happiness, he talks about women believing that there's no such thing as balance anymore.  He writes that, according to the women he interviewed, "They didn't talk about balance much at all. They seemed to realize that not only was a perfect equilibrium nigh on impossible to achieve, but also that even if they did manage to achieve it, it wouldn't necessarily fulfill them anyway--when you are balanced, you are stationary, holding your breath, trying not to let any sudden twitch or jerk pull you too far one way or the other. You are at a standstill. Balance is the wrong life goal. "

I, and the women I speak with, see it very differently.  Women are struggling and deeply longing for balance, in ways men can't relate to.  Why?  Because women are still shouldering the majority of domestic responsibility, including child and elder care, while holding down jobs.  They are handling much more of the work inside the home, and they are connected viscerally and emotionally to their success (and perfectionism) as caregiver in different ways than men are. 

Women feel more angst and guilt about what they are doing or not doing.  Women are chronic "overfunctioners" - and men are not.  They beat themselves up for what they are not doing well enough, and for focusing on themselves and their careers rather than their family life.  Why is this? I believe it's about cultural training, expectations, role modeling, and a bit about hardwiring when it comes to women's emotions, brain functioning, values, needs, and instincts around caring for their children.

Balance for women doesn't mean inertia - it means knowing what you love, doing it, and not eating yourself alive with guilt about what you are aren't accomplishing when you're focus on one thing (work), not the other (family) and vice versa. 

Lack of balance is the most severe crisis of the 12 hidden crises women are facing.  The balance women striving for is not "a pie in the sky" dream - it's an essential component of a happy life - a sense of empowered equilibrium in which women are standing strong and stable on equal footing, giving priority to what they care about and love, without falling apart in the process.  If women have given up on that, then they'll fail at being happy.

2) "White Male Competitive Career" Model Is Breaking Women

Further, at the risk of alienating some of my male readers, as a women's advocate I must state this well-researched phenomenon - women's inability to achieve balance is made more challenging by the existing "white male competitive career model" in place today in corporate America. 

Basically, the model has been constructed with underlying assumptions that successful professionals must adhere to the following rules: 1) follow a linear career path (no off-ramping and on-ramping), 2) focus on "full time" and "face time", 3) commit most intensively to their career development in their 30s and 40s (when many women are having babies), and 4) feel motivated best and most by power and money.

These are generalizations, yes, but overall, there is strong evidence that the male competitive career model in American today is a complete misfit and damaging for women, and it needs to be shifted to embrace and honor women's needs and values (click here for suggested employer initiatives that will address this ill-fitted model for women). 

What can women do to address these crises, and experience more happiness?

This is not a quick fix - it's a breakthrough process that takes time, energy, and commitment, but it works.  When women take the following actions, they experience more happiness and fulfillment in their lives and work:

1)       Grow stronger in identifying what really matters to you, uniquely and specifically

2)       Tune out what others tell you (men and women) about how to live your life - be your own expert on your happiness.  Trust yourself.

3)       Honor your values and needs from an empowered stance at work and at home - step up and take charge of yourself. Stop making excuses.

4)       Evaluate your family situation realistically. Ask for (demand, if necessary) a more fair distribution of the domestic responsibility.

5)       Stop overfunctioning and let go of perfectionism - focus hard on want you care about deeply, and let go of perfectionism in what you don't care as much about.

6)       Speak up and take action to bring about shifts at home and at your place of work and in the existing career model, so that they embrace and honor your needs and values

7)       Identify what your "ideal" life looks and feels like. Get empowered outside help to create a success action plan, with concrete goals and outcomes, to achieve your life visions.

Say Yes! to your happiness.  You can do it!

There are 11 more crises women face today that men do not experience in the same way as women.  Crises for women are characterized by "I can't do this" thinking -  a negative mantra that keeps them sad, sick and stuck.  While men experience some of these same crises, women internalize and process them differently, and each of these crises prevents women's happiness. 

Here is a sampling of the 12 hidden crises of women today:

- Suffering from chronic health problems

Failing health--a chronic illness or ailment--that won't respond to treatment  

The mantra: "I can't resolve my health problems."

- Losing your "voice"   

Contending with a crippling inability to speak up--unable to be an advocate for yourself or others, for fear of criticism, rejection, or punishment

The mantra: "I can't speak up without being punished."

- Facing abuse or mistreatment 

Being treated badly, even intolerably, at work--and choosing to stay

The mantra: "I can't stop this cycle of mistreatment."

- Feeling trapped by financial fears

Remaining in a negative situation solely because of money

The mantra: "I can't get out of this financial trap."

- Wasting your real talents  

Realizing your work no longer fits and desperately wanting to use your natural talents and abilities

The mantra: "I can't use my real talents."

- Doing work you hate

Longing to reconnect with the "real you"--and do work you love

The mantra: "I can't do work that I love."

Be Your Own Happiness Expert - Take My Breakthrough Challenge!

Please take my challenge this month - Ask yourself, then 10 women and 10 men you know the following questions:

1)       How do you define "happiness?" 

2)       Are you experiencing happiness, by and large?

3)       If not, what gets in the way?

4)       If you are experiencing happiness on a regular basis, how do you achieve it?

Compare the answers between men and women, and let me know what you learn.

Key questions for the week - What do YOU think are the differences between men's and women's views and experiences of happiness?  How are men and women different in achieving happiness as they define it, and what does that difference mean to you?  Finally, how can women achieve more happiness in their lives? 

Please share your views!!  A diverse, open, and supportive dialogue is the first step to breakthrough.

As with any major shift occurring in the world, one person can't turn it around all by him/herself.  But each of us can have a direct and significant impact, and that impact reverberates and spreads.  Blog Action Day '09 asks us to take responsibility today, speak up, and spark a global discussion on climate change.  Join the discussion - add your voice!

Clearly, we are accountable for how we live our lives, for what we model for others and our children.  We are responsible for the core messages we send to our family, our community, and the world about what we value, support, and wish to protect and nurture. 

How each of us addresses this climate crisis is very similar to the ways in which we handle our own personal crises.

What's the best way to deal with any crisis?

1.                   Get out of denial - Admit we have a serious crisis on our hands, and take concrete action to address it.

2.                   Get accountable - Take responsibility for your own actions and do what you can. 

3.                   Treasure the good - Know what makes life worth living, and value and protect it.

4.                   Plan for the future  - Understand yourself and the far-reaching implications of your actions.  Think about the future and what you want to build and leave behind, not just of the present.

5.                   Commit to being the change you want to see - Step up, and realize that even one new promise or decisive action can create a shift and make all the difference.

In my family of four (with two school-aged children), we focus on doing what we can to contribute to slowing climate change.  We use less energy, and cut down on waste.  We turn off lights, appliances, and computers that aren't in use.  We've reduced our driving, and commit to carpooling wherever possible.  We recycle, use energy efficient appliances, support locally grown food, keep the temperature in our house a few degrees lower, properly insulate our home and heater, and take shorter showers and fewer baths. 

Another way we contribute to facilitating positive change is by supporting political candidates who care deeply about this issue, and who are 100% committed to enacting policies, laws, and endeavors that will reduce greenhouse gas emissions.  Most importantly, we discuss the issue openly with our children and explore what new things they and their generation can do to help.

I hope people will continue to find their own ways to create breakthrough in how they address this serious crisis.  In dealing with climate change, as in handling our personal crises, failing to understand that we've co-created the problem and need to shift our behavior, is simply playing the victim.  That type of thinking, as we've learned, will never get us where we need and want to go.

For me, participating in this action day has spurred me to step up my commitment (for one, I will stop using plastic bags for shopping, starting today).

What one step can you take today to step up your commitment?

Thank you for sharing your voice and participating.  Wishing our world many powerful breakthroughs.