Recently in Featured Category

May is Here!   I, for one, am thrilled! I'm truly ready to let go of the heavy, dark remnants of Winter, and stretch and play lightly with more ease, as summer approaches.

Yesterday, a dear friend of mine -- fabulous life coach and Emmy-award-winning writer Susie Horgan - shared with me a core idea from Buddhist thinking that "suffering" is the continually craving to be where you are not.

Are We Suffering or Stretching?

When she said it, the idea struck me like a thunderbolt. I spend so much of my time endeavoring to stretch up to new realms, that I suffer more than I care to admit -- with impatience, disappointment, confusion, exhaustion -- all around the experience of "Why is this all going so slowly - are we in a retrograde, or something??"

If suffering is about a continual addiction to wanting what you don't have, how is focusing on stretching and growing different from that?

Here are my thoughts:

1) Stretching carries with it excitement and anticipation. Suffering is heavy with resistance and regret.

2) Stretching looks forward; suffering looks backward.

3) Stretching acknowledges all you've done, and has you reaching for more. Suffering denounces you for the (seemingly) stupid mistakes you've made.

4) Stretching is life-giving and affirming; suffering keeps you in denial of your powers to create and evolve. 5) Stretching says "YES!" Suffering says "NO."

OK, from today on, I'm choosing more stretching, less suffering.  How 'bout you?

And BTW, follow my 30-Day Twitter experiment at @kathycaprino, and embark on one of your own.  It's a sure way to encourage stretching.

Well, my 30-Day Twitter Experiment continues and it's been quite enlightening and surprising so far - and tiring!  More than I imagined.

Here's what I'm learning:

1) It's all about the connection.  What do people want more than anything in life?  To be valued, liked, appreciated, understood, recognized for who they really are, and to not feel alone.  Welcome to Twitter.  It's all about real connection - conversing, supporting, laughing - being real.

2) Drop the façade - there's no time to keep it up.  On Twitter, if you want to build community and create true connection, there's no time to keep up your well-crafted façade that hides who you really are.  No time to "protect your reputation." If you're conversing continually, you just can't be watching every word that comes out, and filtering it for how you want to sound.  You've just got to be yourself and use the authentic voice you have.  (BTW, I've got to write a post on this issue- the public vs. the private persona, your reputation vs. who you really are...more on that soon).

3) If you're a narcissist, you won't like Twitter.  If all you want to do is talk about yourself and your business and services, you won't have much fun because no one will follow you or care about connecting with you, in the long-run.  (Also another post - and book - needs to be written about the intensely negative impact of working or living with those who suffer from the narcissistic personality disorder, and how to manage it)!

4) People are awesome - or at least, many thousands are.  So many of us have been burned in our lives by snarky, jealous, dishonest, back-stabbing, insecure, angry people who've hurt us.  But through social media, you expand your horizons beyond your imagination and beyond your tight world, which allows you get out of your circle (which can sometimes disappoint), and meet amazing new folks around the world who want to help and share.

5) It's addictive, learning new things.  This experiment is teaching me so many new things that I'm slightly addicted to the whole experience.  The new ideas are flowing in the middle of the night, while I'm in a client meeting, driving my kids to soccer and band, while I'm watching "Glee," eating dinner...  Clearly, it's fun to step up to a new challenge.

6) Life takes time.  Nothing is created overnight - there's no magic bullet for moving forward.  It's all in the doing, doing, doing, then learning from the doing.  Have you noticed that moving something from the metaphysical realm - the realm of pure, light energy, the realm of ideas - to the realm of the physical, is HARD?  Well, it is. The energy is dense here on the physical plane.  The more you're prepared for that, the better. 

I hope you'll be inspired to do your own 30-Day Twitter experiment, and follow mine at @kathycaprino.com.  Let me know if you do, and I'll follow you and do my best to connect/comment along the way.

I promise you - in the process, you'll peel back some layers about yourself and be deeply surprised at what you find.

Someone (I can't remember who unfortunately) recently shared with me the saying, "Turn your mess into a message." 

I simply love that - perhaps because without realizing it, I've been doing that for a full eight and a half years since 9/11, and since I woke up and decided to transform my (messy) life and career.  I had, and still have, a good deal of mess to transform into messages!

This week, I had a powerful shifting realization, thanks again to my dear friend and financial consultant Denise Hughes, that one of my most intractable "messes" is around my resistance to "ease."  Ease is not something that has been a part of my professional identity or life.  In my twenty-seven years as a contributive professional, there's been nothing easy about it. 

Sure, I've achieved things I'm very proud of and excited about, and I've met many of my large goals.  But still - I can't say that any of it came "easily."  No way, no how.

This week, as I was exploring the idea of ease and why I resist it so fiercely, I had a very painful memory flash.  It was of my early teen life.  I recalled clearly how someone close to me used to say to me (and to everyone else) in a very critical and hateful tone, "Everything comes so easily to Kathy."  This person used to brandish those words like a weapon, as if it were a terrible thing to have an easy life, and that it simply wasn't fair, because her life was hard.  The implication was that God shined his light on me, and cruelly bypassed her, leaving her thwarted and miserable. 

As I tossed that memory around in my mind, I experienced the real 'aha'- I realized that all these years - my whole 49 years on this planet -- I've internalized the belief that if things come easily to me, then I don't deserve them.  Wow...

Believing I'm not deserving of ease has two damaging aspects -  first, deep down, it tricks me into believing that I don't deserve all the good that I've created or attracted, and secondly, it traps me in a fearful place, worried that others will judge me negatively, hold me apart from themselves, be envious of me, and think I am not worthy of what I have.

Well...I can tell you that as of this minute, I'm DONE with my resistance to ease.  Done, gone, finished.  I'm shifting it consciously.  Be gone!

Here's what my spirit knows to be true - When things come easily, it means you are in the flow - of life, of yourself, of your soul and spirit.  It's not a bad thing that things come easily to you.  It's supposed to be easy.  When you have ease, it means that you have consciously and completely given up your resistance to ease, and your attachment to struggle.

Each day, I receive an inspirational email message from a neat group - Mike Dooley's TUT Adventurers Club - and recently got this message worth savoring and embracing:

"Kathy, it's supposed to be easy.  Everything is supposed to be easy.  Everything is easy.  You live in a dream world. You're surrounded by illusions, and the illusions change when you change your thinking!

Tell yourself it's easy.  Tell yourself often.  Make it a mantra.  Eat, sleep, and breathe it.  And your life shall be transformed.

It's supposed to be easy."

(From Mike Dooley's Notes from the Universe)

I'd add this - if ease is not your experience, there's most likely something blocking you from believing you deserve or want ease.  Please take the time this week to dig deep and explore what might be keeping you from believing you can and will have ease from this moment forward, and that having ease is what you deserve.  You are strong enough to have ease, and to handle the envy of others who don't.

Ease is beautiful, perfect, and as it should be, for you and for me.  Let's allow it into our lives, together, now.

This Sunday, we buried my father-in-law.  He died suddenly, out of the blue, in a matter of minutes.  His body just shut down, and he left the planet.  He had been in a nursing home for only 6 weeks.

As with any major event in one's life, a death in the family creates a gap in space and time, in which you're pushed to take stock, and look long and hard at your own life to see where it's heading and the impact it's having.

Watching the end point of life unfold, some things went through my mind about life, and what it is to live a "successful" one.

Here's what came to me:

1) Our lives are a vast accumulation of all that we've said, done, made others feel, encouraged others to do, and of what we've left behind - fragments of energy and light that have made a mark.

2) Success in life can be determined by answering these questions - "Did you, by and large, experience joy, love and support, and give it in return?  Did you learn (and overcome) what you came here to learn?  And did your life have a positive impact?

3) When you leave the planet, will you be missed?  If so, it's probably because of cherished qualities you helped others see in themselves (their beauty, value, brilliance, capability, goodness) that they couldn't see on their own.

4) Finally, what's the meaning of life?  I certainly don't have the answers, but I do know this...we have this precious chance, these 80 or so years, to live life full out, without regrets, without shame, without reservation  -- to experience all of the life, love, joy, passion, and courage we can, and to be all that we came here to be.

I'm determined not to waste this chance. 

Wishing you and yours a joyous Thanksgiving.

"9 out of 10 women studied are experiencing at least one of the 12 crises working women face today, and over half don't know what to do about it.  On average, working women are experiencing three crises at the same time."

These 12 emotionally-devastating crises stand in the way of happiness, are not the same for women as for men.  If "happiness" is an experience of living well, liking yourself and what you're doing, feeling excitement, joy and fulfillment during many of the days of your life, and feeling "in the flow," the truth is this: the 12 hidden crises are preventing women from achieving happiness, and it won't get better unless women take strong and focused action.

As one who works with women all day every day, and as a woman, mother, and high-level professional myself, I have very solid views on what women think and experience in terms of happiness. 

Women's definition of happiness and their challenges in achieving happiness, are very different from men's.

Here are some key differences between men and women's experience of happiness:

1)       Work-Life Balance - The Number One Crisis for Women, not for Men

Women need to experience a sense of balance between their professional and personal identities to feel happy.  Because so many women work both inside the home and outside of it, these two colliding roles (and yes, they crash together powerfully in women more so then men) - and doing them well with a feeling of empowerment -- are vitally important to women's sense of success and happiness.

In Marcus Buckingham's stimulating column on the Huffington Post about Women's Happiness, he talks about women believing that there's no such thing as balance anymore.  He writes that, according to the women he interviewed, "They didn't talk about balance much at all. They seemed to realize that not only was a perfect equilibrium nigh on impossible to achieve, but also that even if they did manage to achieve it, it wouldn't necessarily fulfill them anyway--when you are balanced, you are stationary, holding your breath, trying not to let any sudden twitch or jerk pull you too far one way or the other. You are at a standstill. Balance is the wrong life goal. "

I, and the women I speak with, see it very differently.  Women are struggling and deeply longing for balance, in ways men can't relate to.  Why?  Because women are still shouldering the majority of domestic responsibility, including child and elder care, while holding down jobs.  They are handling much more of the work inside the home, and they are connected viscerally and emotionally to their success (and perfectionism) as caregiver in different ways than men are. 

Women feel more angst and guilt about what they are doing or not doing.  Women are chronic "overfunctioners" - and men are not.  They beat themselves up for what they are not doing well enough, and for focusing on themselves and their careers rather than their family life.  Why is this? I believe it's about cultural training, expectations, role modeling, and a bit about hardwiring when it comes to women's emotions, brain functioning, values, needs, and instincts around caring for their children.

Balance for women doesn't mean inertia - it means knowing what you love, doing it, and not eating yourself alive with guilt about what you are aren't accomplishing when you're focus on one thing (work), not the other (family) and vice versa. 

Lack of balance is the most severe crisis of the 12 hidden crises women are facing.  The balance women striving for is not "a pie in the sky" dream - it's an essential component of a happy life - a sense of empowered equilibrium in which women are standing strong and stable on equal footing, giving priority to what they care about and love, without falling apart in the process.  If women have given up on that, then they'll fail at being happy.

2) "White Male Competitive Career" Model Is Breaking Women

Further, at the risk of alienating some of my male readers, as a women's advocate I must state this well-researched phenomenon - women's inability to achieve balance is made more challenging by the existing "white male competitive career model" in place today in corporate America. 

Basically, the model has been constructed with underlying assumptions that successful professionals must adhere to the following rules: 1) follow a linear career path (no off-ramping and on-ramping), 2) focus on "full time" and "face time", 3) commit most intensively to their career development in their 30s and 40s (when many women are having babies), and 4) feel motivated best and most by power and money.

These are generalizations, yes, but overall, there is strong evidence that the male competitive career model in American today is a complete misfit and damaging for women, and it needs to be shifted to embrace and honor women's needs and values (click here for suggested employer initiatives that will address this ill-fitted model for women). 

What can women do to address these crises, and experience more happiness?

This is not a quick fix - it's a breakthrough process that takes time, energy, and commitment, but it works.  When women take the following actions, they experience more happiness and fulfillment in their lives and work:

1)       Grow stronger in identifying what really matters to you, uniquely and specifically

2)       Tune out what others tell you (men and women) about how to live your life - be your own expert on your happiness.  Trust yourself.

3)       Honor your values and needs from an empowered stance at work and at home - step up and take charge of yourself. Stop making excuses.

4)       Evaluate your family situation realistically. Ask for (demand, if necessary) a more fair distribution of the domestic responsibility.

5)       Stop overfunctioning and let go of perfectionism - focus hard on want you care about deeply, and let go of perfectionism in what you don't care as much about.

6)       Speak up and take action to bring about shifts at home and at your place of work and in the existing career model, so that they embrace and honor your needs and values

7)       Identify what your "ideal" life looks and feels like. Get empowered outside help to create a success action plan, with concrete goals and outcomes, to achieve your life visions.

Say Yes! to your happiness.  You can do it!

There are 11 more crises women face today that men do not experience in the same way as women.  Crises for women are characterized by "I can't do this" thinking -  a negative mantra that keeps them sad, sick and stuck.  While men experience some of these same crises, women internalize and process them differently, and each of these crises prevents women's happiness. 

Here is a sampling of the 12 hidden crises of women today:

- Suffering from chronic health problems

Failing health--a chronic illness or ailment--that won't respond to treatment  

The mantra: "I can't resolve my health problems."

- Losing your "voice"   

Contending with a crippling inability to speak up--unable to be an advocate for yourself or others, for fear of criticism, rejection, or punishment

The mantra: "I can't speak up without being punished."

- Facing abuse or mistreatment 

Being treated badly, even intolerably, at work--and choosing to stay

The mantra: "I can't stop this cycle of mistreatment."

- Feeling trapped by financial fears

Remaining in a negative situation solely because of money

The mantra: "I can't get out of this financial trap."

- Wasting your real talents  

Realizing your work no longer fits and desperately wanting to use your natural talents and abilities

The mantra: "I can't use my real talents."

- Doing work you hate

Longing to reconnect with the "real you"--and do work you love

The mantra: "I can't do work that I love."

Be Your Own Happiness Expert - Take My Breakthrough Challenge!

Please take my challenge this month - Ask yourself, then 10 women and 10 men you know the following questions:

1)       How do you define "happiness?" 

2)       Are you experiencing happiness, by and large?

3)       If not, what gets in the way?

4)       If you are experiencing happiness on a regular basis, how do you achieve it?

Compare the answers between men and women, and let me know what you learn.

Key questions for the week - What do YOU think are the differences between men's and women's views and experiences of happiness?  How are men and women different in achieving happiness as they define it, and what does that difference mean to you?  Finally, how can women achieve more happiness in their lives? 

Please share your views!!  A diverse, open, and supportive dialogue is the first step to breakthrough.