Recently in Career Satisfaction Category

What are the easiest ways to spot an ineffective career coach who won't be helpful in moving you forward? 

This week I heard from a lovely woman in another state who shared with me a story about a career coach she hired this year.  This coach, in the end, was of no help at all.  I have to say, if I've heard this once, I've heard it one hundred times.

The coach had her take a battery of expensive assessment tests, and the results showed that she was in the perfect job for herself.  The problem is, she's very unhappy in this profession of 30 years, and wants out (for a variety of well-founded reasons).  He also told her that due to her age (she's in late midlife), she'll have a hard time reinventing and finding a new job.  Wow, thanks a lot for the motivation and inspiration, sir!  While it's certainly true that reinventing in midlife has it deep challenges (I should know), where there's a will, there's a way.

I experienced a similar thing 10 years ago with a career counselor I hired.  At 40 years old, I felt sick, miserable, and depressed at my current line of work and job, which was marketing and product management for a leading membership services organization.  I had been in membership services for years, and lost all interest in it. I deeply longed for a new career direction, but couldn't figure out what to do.

After hundreds of dollars, several meetings, and a series of standardized assessment tests, the career counselor said, "Well, looks like your current job is perfect for you and meets all your needs." 

Are you kidding???  If it met all my needs, why do I want to poke my eye out with a stick!  Why do I hate it so much, and why am I "breaking down" from the stress, exhaustion, crushing competition, and lack of connection to my work?

The reason he arrived at the conclusion that my job was right for me involved his constricted perspective - an inability to think expansively about his client's potential and capabilities.  He was looking only at the person I projected at that moment, and taking into account my outwardly-stated needs, skills, and priorities, without looking at my potential.  It's understandable that I -- the client -- would have a limited perspective.  After all, it's natural to feel limited and blocked when we're stuck in a negative situation.  But for the career coach to be stuck with me in this limited view?  That's just bad coaching.

What I needed was a breakthrough - a "paradigm shift" that would allow me to see how much more I was capable of than my current views and experiences allowed.

How did the coaching process go wrong? 

The career coach and assessment tests I took identified my professional needs and talents as:

-       Wanting flexibility, family time, high pay

-       Avoiding extensive travel

-       Utilizing my well-honed marketing skills

-       Writing, copywriting, editing

-       Generating ideas and implementing new marketing strategies

-       Being creative - developing new products and enhancements

-       Leading/managing others successfully

-       Managing projects and budgets

-       Building client relationships

-       Nurturing ideas to fruition

-       Re-engineering and streamlining processes for greater efficacy

The thing he missed was that, while I was indeed tapping into various talents and skills I possess, I was pointing them in the wrong direction!  The work I was focused on felt absolutely meaningless to me - or worse - harmful to the community and world.  To me, what we were selling lacked any contributive value.  The sole point of my job was to sell membership services and to make money - regardless of whether these services were truly needed or beneficial in people's lives.

My career coach missed the most important aspect of what I wanted in my working life - to feel good about what I'm doing!

This coach also missed exploring three vital dimensions to a joyful and successful life and career:

-       Standards of integrity - HOW you want to live and work - the process of living, not just the content of it  (check out Maria Nemeth's book The Energy of Money for more about this!)

-       Life intentions - WHAT you want to create and give in my life, when all is said and done

-       Life purpose - THE UNIQUE PURPOSE of your life on this planet at this time

Career coaches who don't touch on the above aren't going to be successful for you. They disregard the most important dimensions of your career. 

My view is this - we did not come here on this planet at this time SIMPLY to pay the mortgage.  Yes, we must pay our bills, and handle our finances responsibly and accountably, but each of us is much more than a bank account.  We have talents, needs, perspectives, experiences, longings and gifts that coalesce into a special amalgam - the essence of you and what you want to give through your professional identity and endeavors.

So the next time you are looking for a career coach, please do me a favor...check out exactly what he/she will be helping you achieve - is it a new job that fits outwardly but leaves you feeling cold and depressed?  Or is it a career/job that you can sink your teeth into, that brings you passion, power, and purpose, and lets you connect with the most expansive version of yourself, each and every day?

And don't let a career coach work on your resume and social media profiles WITHOUT knowing who you really are on the inside, and what you care to give and be in the world.  If you create a new resume and direction without understanding and honoring the essence of you, you'll waste precious time and money.  Trust me on this one!

Share your stories!

I'd LOVE to hear from you about this issue.  Have you also had disappointing experiences with career coaches?  If so, what did they miss or how did they steer you wrong?  And on the contrary, have you had great experiences with a career coach?  Please comment here about what you've learned, so others can benefit from your experiences! Thanks SO much for your feedback.

Here's to a breakthrough this summer that brings you to the professional life you long for!

About the Author:

Kathy Caprino, M.A., is a nationally-recognized women's career and executive coach, speaker, and author of Breakdown, Breakthrough: The Professional Woman's Guide to Claiming a Life of Passion, Power, and Purpose.  Founder/President of Ellia Communications, Inc. -- a career and work-life coaching company dedicated to helping women achieve breakthrough to create life and work as they truly want it, Caprino is a trained psychotherapist, seasoned career coach, and sought-after writer and speaker on women's issues.  She is a popular blogger on women's career topics and trends, and as a top media source, she has appeared in more than 100 leading newspapers and magazines and on national radio and television.  Her current national research study focuses on Women Succeeding Abundantly, and explores the key actions, beliefs, and choices made by women of all ages who are creating tremendous success and fulfillment in their lives and careers, thriving and living joyfully on their own terms. 

For more information, visit www.elliacommunications.com or write to Kathy at Kathy@elliacommunications.com.

Last week, I held a free teleclass for women on the "5 Reasons You're Miserable at Work and What To Do About It," based on key findings from my national research with scores of working women across the country and my book Breakdown, Breakthrough.  More than 90 women signed up for the call, and they confirmed yet again what so many women have been unable able to say out loud until now, which is, "I'm unhappy at work, but I'm not sure exactly why or what to do about it!"

Whether you are a corporate professional, self-employed or in transition, if you need to find a different way to work, don't worry. Help is on the way!  And you're definitely not alone.

Below are what I've found to be the top five reasons so many women are dissatisfied and unfulfilled at work, along with concrete tips to revise your situation and change course today.

The top 5 reasons women are miserable at work are -

1. They find it impossible to balance work and family

2. They suffer from chronic financial distress
3. They struggle using skills and talents that aren't "natural" to them
4. They feel chronically undervalued and disrespected
5. They experience little joy or positive meaning in their work

If the above describes your experience, here are some tips to help you create an internal shift away from feeling trapped and disempowered, to feeling more confident, courageous and committed to making positive career change today. (And feel free to write me at Kathy@elliacommunications.com if you'd like a download of the recording of the call).

Tips for Positive Career Change:

1) Gain More Work-Life Balance

Balance is not going to just fall in your lap.  You have to claim it, and commit to getting it.  How?  First, determine the three most important priorities you are committed to achieving in your personal and in your professional life.  What are the three things that are vital to you to bring about -- that matter more than anything else?  Formulate these in terms of "to be" statements such as "to be a loving mother or "to be a successful entrepreneur" or "to be a helper of others."

Uncover the three top achievements that you are longing to bring about in your life and work and that you will not compromise on.  Then commit yourself to these.  Discover where you are over-functioning (doing more than is necessary, more than is healthy, and more than is appropriate) in your life, your family, and work, and let go of being perfect in the areas that don't matter as much to you.  Once you take these steps, you'll find that balance comes more easily to you, because you are being guided each day by the knowledge of what you want to create, and knowing you are 1000% committed to doing it.

2) Get Healthy with Your Money

To get out of chronic financial distress, you must become intimately connected with your money and begin to recognize your real intrinsic worth.  First, create a solid budget with strong financial goals, and stick to it.  Examine your spending - are you buying things in order to soothe your soul?  If so, stop over-spending.  Look at your beliefs around money that you learned as a child from living with your family.  Are your beliefs about money positive or negative, expansive or constricting? Do you believe you deserve wealth and abundance, or are you ashamed of the money you have or don't have?  Overall, the key to overcoming chronic financial distress is to heal your relationship with money through positive and healthy beliefs, actions, and choices.  Once you create a supportive money relationship, you will no longer stay in jobs that create financial distress or drain you of joy and energy.  You'll know your worth, and begin claiming it, on your professional path and otherwise.

3) Use Skills that Are Fun and Natural - 

It's vitally important to understand exactly what talents and skills are easy and fun for you to use, and then find a way (either in your existing job or in a new field or job) to tap these talents more frequently at work.  To get more in touch with what you love to do and what comes easily, take my free Career Path Assessment.  Figure out what you want to do more of, less of, and never again!  Often, what you love to do and what comes easily to you were apparent in your childhood, so start there.  What did you thoroughly enjoy as a kid that people noticed, admired and praised?  You might also realize in doing this exercise that just because you're great at a task or endeavor at work doesn't mean you like to do it!  The key to an easier and happier work-life is to use talents that come naturally and are fun to you, so that each day feels like a joy, not a struggle.

4) Claim Your Self-Respect

If you're chronically undervalued or mistreated at work and want people to change their treatment of you, you must start with SELF-respect.  How do you gain self-respect?  Through courageous action that inspires your own self-esteem - action that you know you should be taking, but haven't found the nerve to take.  Now's the time to become more authentic and real in your work. Speak up about who you are and what's important to you.  Make yourself right, not wrong.  If you know something needs to be communicated, figure out a way to do it as soon as possible.  Find an advocate or mentor at work to help you speak up in the right way so that you will be heard and respected for your viewpoint.  Start enforcing your boundaries so that you know exactly what you will tolerate and accept from others, and what you won't. 

5) Find Work that Gives Your Life Joy and Meaning

It's a myth in our culture that we can't make good money doing what we love.  However, it takes grit, determination, and courage to pursue a path that you love and to make it work for you financially.  If you want more joy and meaning -- and financial success at the same time -- determine what endeavors and activities make you joyful in your life, and begin today to bringing these forward.  The key is to understand 1) the essence of what you want, and then 2) find the right form of it. For instance, you might love to sing (as I do), and wonder if singing to earn money would make you happy.  To find out if a new path is right for you, research, research, research - interview people in the field, read all about the art and craft of singing professionally, take classes, find a mentor, and determine a way to "try it on' before you leap.  You might discover that earning money singing as a full-time living isn't for you, but you love to do on a part-time or hobby basis.  If that's the case, join a volunteer or community singing group each week, and honor this as a heart-aligned endeavor. 

If you discover that you want a different line of work from your current job, create a plan that allows you to 1) research thoroughly what you want to do, 2) "try it on" as a volunteer or on part-time basis, then 3) commit to moving toward this new path with a solid financial plan, support of family and friends (and a coach if you'd like one), along with a step-by-step blueprint for what it will take to reinvent your career.

The Ultimate Outcome - Joy!

It's up to you to create a career that you love, and you can do it!  Start today.  Let the top five reasons you're miserable at work be the catalyst you need to change your career and change your life.  Trust me on this one...once you step up to creating a career that excites you, you'll reach new heights you never thought possible. 

In my personal experience, there were some very heavy blocks that kept me from realizing with clarity and confidence that I wanted out of my corporate marketing career, and from taking forward-moving action to get out.

 My blocks were:

1) Time - I had invested so much time in building a marketing career (18 years, in fact), that it seemed ludicrous to "throw it all away."

2) Ego - My ego told me that I had worked so hard to achieve a powerful position in the corporate hierarchy (in my last corporate position, I was a Vice President), that I didn't want to step back and be a beginner again, and lose so much ground

3) Confusion - If I were to chuck this professional identity, what would I do instead?  Despite years of trying to answer this question, I couldn't figure out.  Sure, I fantasized about being in the film industry or doing something exciting and glamorous - but what did I really want to do?  What would I do if I won the lottery?  I couldn't find a new path that made sense.

4) Money - I earned a lot, and believed I needed every cent of that to provide myself and my family the living we needed and wanted

5) Going against the pack - Most people in our lives want us to do the safe, reasonable and secure thing.  They don't want us to suffer, or to lose everything.  So they tell us - strongly and loudly - to play it safe. 

6) The unknown - finally, I didn't want to change because I wanted what I had to work out for me, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  Truthfully, I was scared to death to leap into the unknown.

Now, eight years into my career reinvention, I see things differently.  I can say that none of the reasons above are sufficient to keep you stuck in a career you hate.  Loosen the vice-like grip these fears have on your life, your soul, your mind, and your livelihood, and you'll find the courage and energy to begin to change your career, and change your life.

So here's a new way to look at the challenges above:

TIME:

Every minute you DON'T make the changes you long for, is a minute you spend holding yourself back from the growth and expansion that you know - deep down - that you need and want.  Also, after revising your career to something you like better, you'll find that you will use fully and joyfully each and every heart-felt talent and skill that you worked so hard to develop in the past.

EGO:

Achievements are - in the end -- meaningless if they don't resonate with your heart and soul.  Don't let your ego lead you around by the nose.  If it does, you'll find that your hard-won recognition and achievement will leave you feeling empty and sad.

CONFUSION:

Yes, it's hard to sort out the "sounds-great!" career change ideas from those that will really make you happy.  It's hard, but not impossible.  Find some great coaching and mentoring help today to do it.  Get unconfused.

MONEY:

We all want and need money.  The question is - how much do you truly need to make to be happy, fulfilled, and enjoy your life?  And what is your relationship with money - is it healthy and balanced, or are you a slave to it, addicted to having "things" surround you, because in fact, you feel depleted and joyless?

THE PACK:

The pack mentality is a fear-based, group think that doesn't support innovation, individuality, and risk.  So which type of person do you want to be- a pack-like follower, or a cutting-edge thinker and leader?

THE UNKNOWN:

Here's a fascinating truth- it's ALL unknown, folks.  If you think you've got it figured out, and that what you carved out for yourself is going to be constant and unchanging, please do think again.  Life is change.  The universe WILL deliver to you continual opportunities for you to experience your own adaptability and resilience.  So, what would you rather do - embrace your resilience and proactively find a new path now that brings you joy, or do nothing, and let life foist change on you?

If you truly want a career change, I hope you'll begin on a path today to making it happen.  Help is all around you!

I'd love to know what holds you back MOST from taking action to change your career, and what you need specifically to help you move forward? 

Please share your comments below - I LOVE your input (and it will help me deliver a fantastically powerful career-change program this summer)! 

Thank you!

Someone (I can't remember who unfortunately) recently shared with me the saying, "Turn your mess into a message." 

I simply love that - perhaps because without realizing it, I've been doing that for a full eight and a half years since 9/11, and since I woke up and decided to transform my (messy) life and career.  I had, and still have, a good deal of mess to transform into messages!

This week, I had a powerful shifting realization, thanks again to my dear friend and financial consultant Denise Hughes, that one of my most intractable "messes" is around my resistance to "ease."  Ease is not something that has been a part of my professional identity or life.  In my twenty-seven years as a contributive professional, there's been nothing easy about it. 

Sure, I've achieved things I'm very proud of and excited about, and I've met many of my large goals.  But still - I can't say that any of it came "easily."  No way, no how.

This week, as I was exploring the idea of ease and why I resist it so fiercely, I had a very painful memory flash.  It was of my early teen life.  I recalled clearly how someone close to me used to say to me (and to everyone else) in a very critical and hateful tone, "Everything comes so easily to Kathy."  This person used to brandish those words like a weapon, as if it were a terrible thing to have an easy life, and that it simply wasn't fair, because her life was hard.  The implication was that God shined his light on me, and cruelly bypassed her, leaving her thwarted and miserable. 

As I tossed that memory around in my mind, I experienced the real 'aha'- I realized that all these years - my whole 49 years on this planet -- I've internalized the belief that if things come easily to me, then I don't deserve them.  Wow...

Believing I'm not deserving of ease has two damaging aspects -  first, deep down, it tricks me into believing that I don't deserve all the good that I've created or attracted, and secondly, it traps me in a fearful place, worried that others will judge me negatively, hold me apart from themselves, be envious of me, and think I am not worthy of what I have.

Well...I can tell you that as of this minute, I'm DONE with my resistance to ease.  Done, gone, finished.  I'm shifting it consciously.  Be gone!

Here's what my spirit knows to be true - When things come easily, it means you are in the flow - of life, of yourself, of your soul and spirit.  It's not a bad thing that things come easily to you.  It's supposed to be easy.  When you have ease, it means that you have consciously and completely given up your resistance to ease, and your attachment to struggle.

Each day, I receive an inspirational email message from a neat group - Mike Dooley's TUT Adventurers Club - and recently got this message worth savoring and embracing:

"Kathy, it's supposed to be easy.  Everything is supposed to be easy.  Everything is easy.  You live in a dream world. You're surrounded by illusions, and the illusions change when you change your thinking!

Tell yourself it's easy.  Tell yourself often.  Make it a mantra.  Eat, sleep, and breathe it.  And your life shall be transformed.

It's supposed to be easy."

(From Mike Dooley's Notes from the Universe)

I'd add this - if ease is not your experience, there's most likely something blocking you from believing you deserve or want ease.  Please take the time this week to dig deep and explore what might be keeping you from believing you can and will have ease from this moment forward, and that having ease is what you deserve.  You are strong enough to have ease, and to handle the envy of others who don't.

Ease is beautiful, perfect, and as it should be, for you and for me.  Let's allow it into our lives, together, now.

In a recent Harvard Business Publishing blog on "Can 'Nice Girls' Negotiate?," Whitney Johnson writes about the negative repercussions of women negotiating for themselves in the workplace.  Her piece is right on, from my perspective, and reflects the volumes of both qualitative and quantitative research recently about women, culture, expectations and the challenges they face in the nation's workforce.

I'm always fascinated by the range of comments these posts elicit, from complete agreement to vitriolic dissension to something in between.  One individual wrote:

"I'm not sure this is a man vs. woman thing. Men can ask for a raise/promotion and don't get it as well. The trick is to ask for something that you know you're able to get (studying your value in the company, as well as the company's financial stance). Note that you don't have to deserve the raise in order to get it."

I'd bet you anything that this comment is from a man.  Women know exactly what they're facing in the workplace, yet men are still slow to recognize and acknowledge it. 

My two cents:

I couldn't agree more with this article.  As a women's career coach and work-life researcher, and from my national study with hundreds of professional women about the 12 hidden crises working women face today, it's abundantly clear - with research to support it.  Women are often viewed and evaluated negatively when displaying the exact same traits that successful professional men exhibit - speaking up, challenging, negotiating, using powerful language of leadership, etc. 

It IS a gender thing, folks.  But this doesn't mean men are out to get us.  Not at all.  This means that women are dealing with deeply-ingrained cultural stereotypes and gender role definitions that create challenges in terms of what women can successfully say and do in business, and how they're judged when they do it. 

So what to do about this?  Just what Ms. Johnson suggests...women must speak up for themselves, and be completely prepared for the consequences. We simply can't change this dynamic if we stay mum.  It's time for a breakthrough movement for women, and for that to occur, women have to act. 

Question of the week - As a working woman, are you able to speak up and negotiate for yourself well?  How does it go for you when you do?  Please share your tips and successes  - all comments are welcome!

In launching my new national research study on Women Succeeding Abundantly: Why and How They Do It, one key question we're addressing is: What is abundant success to you?

Here's my personal working definition:

Abundant success means that you are:

• Confident and complete in who you are
• Fully aligned and authentic in all roles you play in life and work
• Deeply appreciated and valued
• Comfortable, confident and empowered in your relationship with money
• Earning exactly what you want to be earning
• Outwardly honoring your inner values and principals
• Living full-out, with passion, power, and purpose
• Making a positive difference in the lives of others
• Consciously stretching to your full potential
• Aware of why you're on the planet, and living that purpose
• Conscious of the fact that you have full responsibility, ownership, and accountability for your life, and feel good about that knowledge
• Having a great time living the abundant life you've created, on your terms

To me, if you can say these things about yourself, abundant success is yours!

Please share your unique definition of abundant success.  I'd love to hear.  What is it, and are you living it?  If not, why not?  And if you are living your version of abundant success, please write to me at Kathy@elliacommunications.com.  I'd love to interview you!

Thanks, and here's to your abundant success,

Kathy

Here's a quick rundown on five tactics for gaining more strength and power in your life and work, beginning today:

1)       Do the inner work you have to do - I've had more than a few folks tell me lately that they really don't want to do the deep re-evaluation and exploration work necessary to create more success and fulfillment.  In essence, they want it done for them or given to them.  My view - that just ain't gonna happen (and why would you want it to)?    

Tip: Do the inner and outer work necessary to 1) figure out what you really want, 2) figure out the best way to get it, 3) figure out what you need to shift and change to get it, and 4) determine what you'll give up to have it.  Then go get it.

2)       Learn from others - In many of my seminars and talks to women, there are always one or two individuals who come up to me afterwards and share with me that they didn't want to hear the views or experiences of others - they just wanted to focus on their own issues/problems.  But being teachable and understanding that we're all alike in vital ways and can learn from others, is an essential ingredient to power and success.  Let connection feed you, not drain you.

            Tip: Let go of your inner narcissist.  Stop focusing exclusively on yourself.  Start connecting - listening to and learning from others.  There's a wealth of wisdom, knowledge and perspective out there for you to benefit from.

3)       Stop thinking "making great money means soul-sucking misery" -  If I hear one more time, "Yeah, Kathy, this career fulfillment stuff is nice, but I've got to pay the mortgage," I'm going to spit.  Of course we have to pay our bills and stay afloat, but when are folks going to realize that paying your bills DOESNT inherently, inevitably mean sacrificing your soul to do it, and being miserable.  We think it does because we've mistakenly told ourselves that lie our entire lives - that making great money = soul-crushing work.  Making the money you truly need doesn't mean you have to get sick, depressed, lose yourself, hate yourself, and sacrifice everything that means anything to you, just so you can pay your mortgage. 

      Tip: Figure out the new path you desperately long to take, and begin step-by-step to create it, with money-making and meeting your needs as a key goal.  No more excuses.

4)       When you don't know what you want to do, first focus on "essence," then on "form" - When you're really stuck as to what you want to do next, focus on figuring out the "essence" of what you want first in your life and work, and worry about the right "form" of it only as a second step.  An example: let's say you adore singing and always have, and you hate your corporate job.  You might be thinking, "All I want to do is quit this job, and start singing for a living. I think I'd love that!"  To that, I'd say, "Wait a minute!"  Making a living as a singer (for instance) can be excruciatingly difficult.  Most performers say, "Do this only if you can't NOT do it!"  So before you jump into what new job/career that you've been fantasizing about, figure out if it's something you truly can't live without doing and if you're suited to a life of it. 

      What are the inner qualities, traits (the essence) of the thing you long for - what do you think this thing will give your life that you don't have now?  Ask yourself, "What does singing give to me?"  Your answers might be that singing brings you: entertainment, the joy of creating something beautiful, the reward of making music with others, creativity, harmony, fun, stimulation, physical exertion that's also relaxing, surrounding yourself with beautiful sounds, etc.  

      After you know specifically what singing (or the thing you're fantasizing about) gives you, then see if you can bring forward any parts of that "essence" into your current life/career.  If not, then start evaluating and researching what that might mean for you in terms of changing your job/career to embrace more of the essence of what you long for.

            Tip: Explore what lights you up, what gives you passion, and why.  They determine if there are any ways you can bring those endeavors forward in your life today, without a wholesale reinvention, if possible.

5)       Get Tough - Power Up Your Boundaries - To get what you want in life, you have to be strong and confident.  You have to protect yourself from all those who would suck your energy dry, use you, take advantage of you, make you feel guilty for not doing more than you should for others, and diminish you.  You can't have a powerful life if you're giving over all your power to others (including your children, spouse, boss, employer, friends, relatives, etc.).

            Tip: Think about where you feel exhausted, angry, depressed, resentful, and start there.  To whom do you need to say "no" and why aren't you saying it?  It's time to say more "No!" to others, and more "Yes!" to yourself, and time to speak up.  Just do it.

Question for the day: In what ways do you struggle in terms of feeling powerful and confident?  And what have you done to successfully increase your power in areas where it's shaky?

Thanks for sharing, and many happy breakthroughs,

Kathy

Lately, I've been asked to coach and speak with hundreds of working women each month around the issue of work-life balance and time management. 

Women are more stressed, strained and sick than ever, as these economic times have hit families, workplaces and corporate America so very hard.  If women's plates were full before, now they're piled sky-high, and teeter-tottering on the edge of the table, ready to crash onto the floor, breaking into a million pieces.

I have strong viewpoints (founded by years of direct high-level corporate experience, coaching work with thousands, and national research with women) about work-life balance and why women can't have it as their lives are today, unless they claim it.

My views aren't easy to hear or take in, but are important for women nonetheless, so here they are:

You won't ever have work-life balance or come even close to it, unless you power yourself up to get it.  Here's what's necessary:

1) You've got to fight for it.

Corporate America was built on the foundations of a "white male competitive career model" that simply doesn't fit women.  Jack Welch's recent comments about women and balance are old-fashioned, outmoded, and out of touch - they don't reflect the future, and what's going to be the new frontier for corporate America.  In the not so distant future (hopefully in our lifetimes), there will be a new model - one that makes room for women and for what they must have in order to live and thrive.  But we've got to fight for it.

If you're in corporate America at a mid to high level, for instance, and are being asked to do the impossible (do the work of three people, work until 3am, produce reports and analyses that are an utter waste of time but take hundreds of collective hours each month to prepare, come in for 8am meetings that are meaningless, and unproductive, etc.), then you MUST speak up.  You must fight for what's right and sensible and good business practice.  If your team is breaking down and so are you, then you simply can't continue this way.  You must speak up and fight.

If you can't speak up on your own (because you'll be crushed down by the machine), then find another way to make your voice heard.  Build a collective forum of women who can speak together, or find empowered female and male mentors and leaders who can speak for you.  Or go outside the company to networking meetings and events (and by the way, continually interview at other companies to keep your options and your mind open), and learn from others how they are making a positive difference, and making it work.

(FYI, for those men and women who wish to be advocates for other women in their workplaces, here is a list of initiatives that employers must take to support women in the workforce today).
 
Things won't change unless you fight for them to.  Fight for what's right and necessary for your health, sanity, and for good business practice, or you'll end up feeling so exhausted, beaten down, and demoralized that you'll drop out of the game.  That's fine, if you're doing it consciously, with awareness and choice. 

Which path do you want to take?  Which path do you consciously choose?  I know you believe you don't have any options right now, but you always have options and choices.  Figure out what they are.

2) You've got to ask for help at home, and deal with the consequences

You simply can't feel healthy and balanced when you're working like a dog at your job, and then come home and work like a dog there too.  It's not possible.

You must ask your spouse, children and others for support, to do their share, to step up to their responsibilities as fully-functioning members of the household.  And/or you need to hire help where it's essential and where you can.  Your husband may complain and say he can't do any more.  If that's what he says, it's critical to sit down together and analyze at the distribution of labor, and make it fairer.  It's up to you to do this.  He won't volunteer for this.

If you're an overfunctioner (doing more than what's necessary, healthy or appropriate - and the vast majority of women are), then your family and friends are used to you overfunctioning, and they (subconsciously) don't want you to stop. 

You have to shift yourself first - internally - and commit to stop doing too much, and decide what you'll scale back on, then do it.  Next, you'll have to deal with your family's initial anger and anxiety that suddenly, you're not doing everything.  It destabilizes the family dynamic at first, when you shift into doing only what's appropriate -- not more -- and it's not easy.  But you'll find a new stability, and they'll get over it, and so will you. 

You'll feel better, stronger, happier, less angry, and more like yourself again when you stop doing EVERYTHING.  But you must strengthen your boundaries so that you can handle the fear, insecurity, guilt and shame you'll feel initially at not being everything to everyone.

3) Stop being angry and start being accountable.

Finally, it's time to stop feeling angry, disrespected, depressed, resentful, overburdened, victimized, and powerless.  If you experience these emotions regularly, your life is asking you to grow, strengthen, and be accountable for how you are living and what you're creating.  No more excuses.

I know how hard this is to accomplish.  Just this morning, I blew it again, and got really angry for doing more than I should have for my children - I should have asked my husband to step in and help, but I didn't ask.  That's a common trait in me that I must be ever vigilant to detect, weed out, and revise.  I tend to get angry and yell when I'm overwhelmed and exhausted, but after I calm down, I see clearly how I simply offered (out of feeling like I HAD to) to do too much that day, and then blamed everyone else for it.  This type of behavior is very deeply rooted and dies hard, let me tell you.

So, my friends, today's the day.  Let's all figure out:

1) What specifically and concretely you are angry and exhausted about

2) What are you taking on that's too much - more than is healthy, appropriate and necessary

3) Why are you doing it?  What are your deepest fears around not doing everything, and being everything? What consequences are you deeply afraid of, if you say "no"?

4) To whom do you need to speak up?  What must you let go of?

5) If you're in a job that chronically works you to the bone, and no one listens to your pleas and demands for moderation, I'd suggest this:

•  Figure out what you really want for your professional and family life
•  Look at the real options at hand - get yourself out of your box and look at what's truly possible
•  Make a plan to get what you want
•  Power Up and Stand Up for yourself - strengthen yourself, your voice and your boundaries
•  Find an empowered outside helper/mentor/coach to help you create the life you really want

Today's action step - Don't waste another minute blaming someone else.  It's your life - claim it.  What one person, action, or limiting, negative belief can you say NO to, today?