Recently in Career Coaching Category

Today I read a great blog post by Peter Shankman - a well-known entrepreneur, author, speaker, and "worldwide connector," about his recent tweet that said this:

I love this message, and I completely understand where Peter is coming from.  I also love that Peter commands $400 an hour, and is not ashamed to state it openly.

Scores of folks agreed with Peter - more than 100 people retweeted his message, supporting it with gusto.  But at least one woman REALLY didn't like what she read.  In her blog post about it, she indicated that she thought Peter had grown too big for his britches with his social media fame and that he was, in fact, arrogant and rude to tweet this. 

After reading Peter's blog response to her and hers back, I'm still not 100% clear what she thought was rude and arrogant.  But I think it's about 1) his stating that he won't help folks for free, and 2) that he commands $400 an hour (much more than what many people can charge and what many people can pay) and wasn't shy to express that.

Peter's blog response clarified his thoughts on the whole matter, and after reading his message, I liked him even more!

So here are my two cents on this issue:

1) I have been inundated this past year with requests - from organizations, individuals, agencies, women's groups and colleagues -- for all types of FREE coaching and consulting help, and frankly, I'm tired of it.

2) Bravo to Peter Shankman for charging $400/hour, and having clients clamor for him, and pay that fee happily, because they feel he's worth it

3) Bravo to Peter for telling it like it is for him, out loud and proud

4) For those who are uncomfortable with that, I'd suggest taking a deep look inside to identify exactly what makes you squeamish about it.  I'd guess it has do with that fact that a) you don't command those fees and can't imagine doing so, or b) you're asking all sorts of people for free help without offering to give something back, or c) you're giving all sorts of free help, and you're tired of it, or d) you're uncomfortable in the presence of people who know their worth and aren't hesitant to shout it from the rooftops.

Today was a turning point for me on this issue.  I've decided (after one final straw that really got my goat) that this is my last day of giving my time away for free for my consulting or coaching.  I'm done with it!  My services, my time, my insights, my approach, my talents  - they've all come hard-earned after years of training, hard work, research, and dedication, and I'm done with devaluing them by giving them away for free.  Of course, I'll continue as I always have contributing pro bono work to the community as I choose to, where I choose to -- to special agencies and organizations that empower women and support those in need and who are disadvantaged.

But in my private practice, I'm committed to being vigilant about maintaining a healthy pricing discipline (very hard for women to do, in general, I've found).  After all, you don't walk into a car dealership wanting a shiny new car and ask to pay nothing for it, do you?  And you don't go to your dermatologist and say, "Hey, can I pick your brain FOR FREE about this terrible itchy rash I have?"

OK, folks, it's time we stop asking for free handouts.  Whatever you want to call it -- "pick your brain," "get your insights," "obtain your feedback" -- if you're asking me to use my consulting and coaching skills to help your business and your career, I'm respectfully asking for what I believe is only fair and just - to be paid what I deserve for helping you make the significant positive changes you want most in your life, work, and your business.

I'm sure this will stir up many thoughts and feelings in my readers and community.  I'd LOVE to hear them all!  Please share freely.  Let it rip.  That's what makes a good horse race, as my mother used to say.

Thanks for sharing openly below.  I'm looking forward to reading each of your comments and hearing your diverse views.

And here's to empowering you to up your daily dose of pricing discipline as well.

What are the easiest ways to spot an ineffective career coach who won't be helpful in moving you forward? 

This week I heard from a lovely woman in another state who shared with me a story about a career coach she hired this year.  This coach, in the end, was of no help at all.  I have to say, if I've heard this once, I've heard it one hundred times.

The coach had her take a battery of expensive assessment tests, and the results showed that she was in the perfect job for herself.  The problem is, she's very unhappy in this profession of 30 years, and wants out (for a variety of well-founded reasons).  He also told her that due to her age (she's in late midlife), she'll have a hard time reinventing and finding a new job.  Wow, thanks a lot for the motivation and inspiration, sir!  While it's certainly true that reinventing in midlife has it deep challenges (I should know), where there's a will, there's a way.

I experienced a similar thing 10 years ago with a career counselor I hired.  At 40 years old, I felt sick, miserable, and depressed at my current line of work and job, which was marketing and product management for a leading membership services organization.  I had been in membership services for years, and lost all interest in it. I deeply longed for a new career direction, but couldn't figure out what to do.

After hundreds of dollars, several meetings, and a series of standardized assessment tests, the career counselor said, "Well, looks like your current job is perfect for you and meets all your needs." 

Are you kidding???  If it met all my needs, why do I want to poke my eye out with a stick!  Why do I hate it so much, and why am I "breaking down" from the stress, exhaustion, crushing competition, and lack of connection to my work?

The reason he arrived at the conclusion that my job was right for me involved his constricted perspective - an inability to think expansively about his client's potential and capabilities.  He was looking only at the person I projected at that moment, and taking into account my outwardly-stated needs, skills, and priorities, without looking at my potential.  It's understandable that I -- the client -- would have a limited perspective.  After all, it's natural to feel limited and blocked when we're stuck in a negative situation.  But for the career coach to be stuck with me in this limited view?  That's just bad coaching.

What I needed was a breakthrough - a "paradigm shift" that would allow me to see how much more I was capable of than my current views and experiences allowed.

How did the coaching process go wrong? 

The career coach and assessment tests I took identified my professional needs and talents as:

-       Wanting flexibility, family time, high pay

-       Avoiding extensive travel

-       Utilizing my well-honed marketing skills

-       Writing, copywriting, editing

-       Generating ideas and implementing new marketing strategies

-       Being creative - developing new products and enhancements

-       Leading/managing others successfully

-       Managing projects and budgets

-       Building client relationships

-       Nurturing ideas to fruition

-       Re-engineering and streamlining processes for greater efficacy

The thing he missed was that, while I was indeed tapping into various talents and skills I possess, I was pointing them in the wrong direction!  The work I was focused on felt absolutely meaningless to me - or worse - harmful to the community and world.  To me, what we were selling lacked any contributive value.  The sole point of my job was to sell membership services and to make money - regardless of whether these services were truly needed or beneficial in people's lives.

My career coach missed the most important aspect of what I wanted in my working life - to feel good about what I'm doing!

This coach also missed exploring three vital dimensions to a joyful and successful life and career:

-       Standards of integrity - HOW you want to live and work - the process of living, not just the content of it  (check out Maria Nemeth's book The Energy of Money for more about this!)

-       Life intentions - WHAT you want to create and give in my life, when all is said and done

-       Life purpose - THE UNIQUE PURPOSE of your life on this planet at this time

Career coaches who don't touch on the above aren't going to be successful for you. They disregard the most important dimensions of your career. 

My view is this - we did not come here on this planet at this time SIMPLY to pay the mortgage.  Yes, we must pay our bills, and handle our finances responsibly and accountably, but each of us is much more than a bank account.  We have talents, needs, perspectives, experiences, longings and gifts that coalesce into a special amalgam - the essence of you and what you want to give through your professional identity and endeavors.

So the next time you are looking for a career coach, please do me a favor...check out exactly what he/she will be helping you achieve - is it a new job that fits outwardly but leaves you feeling cold and depressed?  Or is it a career/job that you can sink your teeth into, that brings you passion, power, and purpose, and lets you connect with the most expansive version of yourself, each and every day?

And don't let a career coach work on your resume and social media profiles WITHOUT knowing who you really are on the inside, and what you care to give and be in the world.  If you create a new resume and direction without understanding and honoring the essence of you, you'll waste precious time and money.  Trust me on this one!

Share your stories!

I'd LOVE to hear from you about this issue.  Have you also had disappointing experiences with career coaches?  If so, what did they miss or how did they steer you wrong?  And on the contrary, have you had great experiences with a career coach?  Please comment here about what you've learned, so others can benefit from your experiences! Thanks SO much for your feedback.

Here's to a breakthrough this summer that brings you to the professional life you long for!

About the Author:

Kathy Caprino, M.A., is a nationally-recognized women's career and executive coach, speaker, and author of Breakdown, Breakthrough: The Professional Woman's Guide to Claiming a Life of Passion, Power, and Purpose.  Founder/President of Ellia Communications, Inc. -- a career and work-life coaching company dedicated to helping women achieve breakthrough to create life and work as they truly want it, Caprino is a trained psychotherapist, seasoned career coach, and sought-after writer and speaker on women's issues.  She is a popular blogger on women's career topics and trends, and as a top media source, she has appeared in more than 100 leading newspapers and magazines and on national radio and television.  Her current national research study focuses on Women Succeeding Abundantly, and explores the key actions, beliefs, and choices made by women of all ages who are creating tremendous success and fulfillment in their lives and careers, thriving and living joyfully on their own terms. 

For more information, visit www.elliacommunications.com or write to Kathy at Kathy@elliacommunications.com.

Last week, I held a free teleclass for women on the "5 Reasons You're Miserable at Work and What To Do About It," based on key findings from my national research with scores of working women across the country and my book Breakdown, Breakthrough.  More than 90 women signed up for the call, and they confirmed yet again what so many women have been unable able to say out loud until now, which is, "I'm unhappy at work, but I'm not sure exactly why or what to do about it!"

Whether you are a corporate professional, self-employed or in transition, if you need to find a different way to work, don't worry. Help is on the way!  And you're definitely not alone.

Below are what I've found to be the top five reasons so many women are dissatisfied and unfulfilled at work, along with concrete tips to revise your situation and change course today.

The top 5 reasons women are miserable at work are -

1. They find it impossible to balance work and family
2. They suffer from chronic financial distress
3. They struggle using skills and talents that aren't "natural" to them
4. They feel chronically undervalued and disrespected
5. They experience little joy or positive meaning in their work

If the above describes your experience, here are some tips to help you create an internal shift away from feeling trapped and disempowered, to feeling more confident, courageous and committed to making positive career change today. (And feel free to write me at Kathy@elliacommunications.com if you'd like a download of the recording of the teleclass).

Tips for Positive Career Change:

1) Gain More Work-Life Balance

Balance is not going to just fall in your lap.  You have to claim it, and commit to getting it.  How?  First, determine the three most important priorities you are committed to achieving in your personal and in your professional life.  What are the three things that are vital to you to bring about -- that matter more than anything else?  Formulate these in terms of "to be" statements such as "to be a loving mother or "to be a successful entrepreneur" or "to be a helper of others."

Uncover the three top achievements that you are longing to bring about in your life and work and that you will not compromise on.  Then commit yourself to these.  Discover where you are over-functioning (doing more than is necessary, more than is healthy, and more than is appropriate) in your life, your family, and work, and let go of being perfect in the areas that don't matter as much to you.  Once you take these steps, you'll find that balance comes more easily to you, because you are being guided each day by the knowledge of what you want to create, and knowing you are 1000% committed to doing it.

2) Get Healthy with Your Money

To get out of chronic financial distress, you must become intimately connected with your money and begin to recognize your real intrinsic worth.  First, create a solid budget with strong financial goals, and stick to it.  Examine your spending - are you buying things in order to soothe your soul?  If so, stop over-spending.  Look at your beliefs around money that you learned as a child from living with your family.  Are your beliefs about money positive or negative, expansive or constricting? Do you believe you deserve wealth and abundance, or are you ashamed of the money you have or don't have?  Overall, the key to overcoming chronic financial distress is to heal your relationship with money through positive and healthy beliefs, actions, and choices.  Once you create a supportive money relationship, you will no longer stay in jobs that create financial distress or drain you of joy and energy.  You'll know your worth, and begin claiming it, on your professional path and otherwise.

3) Use Skills that Are Fun and Natural

It's vitally important to understand exactly what talents and skills are easy and fun for you to use, and then find a way (either in your existing job or in a new field or job) to tap these talents more frequently at work.  To get more in touch with what you love to do and what comes easily, take my free Career Path Assessment.  Figure out what you want to do more of, less of, and never again!  Often, what you love to do and what comes easily to you were apparent in your childhood, so start there.  What did you thoroughly enjoy as a kid that people noticed, admired and praised?  You might also realize in doing this exercise that just because you're great at a task or endeavor at work doesn't mean you like to do it!  The key to an easier and happier work-life is to use talents that come naturally and are fun to you, so that each day feels like a joy, not a struggle.

4) Claim Your Self-Respect

If you're chronically undervalued or mistreated at work and want people to change their treatment of you, you must start with SELF-respect.  How do you gain self-respect?  Through courageous action that inspires your own self-esteem - action that you know you should be taking, but haven't found the nerve to take.  Now's the time to become more authentic and real in your work. Speak up about who you are and what's important to you.  Make yourself right, not wrong.  If you know something needs to be communicated, figure out a way to do it as soon as possible.  Find an advocate or mentor at work to help you speak up in the right way so that you will be heard and respected for your viewpoint.  Start enforcing your boundaries so that you know exactly what you will tolerate and accept from others, and what you won't. 

5) Find Work that Gives Your Life Joy and Meaning

It's a myth in our culture that we can't make good money doing what we love.  However, it takes grit, determination, and courage to pursue a path that you love and to make it work for you financially.  If you want more joy and meaning -- and financial success at the same time -- determine what endeavors and activities make you joyful in your life, and begin today to bringing these forward.  The key is to understand 1) the essence of what you want, and then 2) find the right form of it. For instance, you might love to sing (as I do), and wonder if singing to earn money would make you happy.  To find out if a new path is right for you, research, research, research - interview people in the field, read all about the art and craft of singing professionally, take classes, find a mentor, and determine a way to "try it on' before you leap.  You might discover that earning money singing as a full-time living isn't for you, but you love to do on a part-time or hobby basis.  If that's the case, join a volunteer or community singing group each week, and honor this as a heart-aligned endeavor. 

If you discover that you want a different line of work from your current job, create a plan that allows you to 1) research thoroughly what you want to do, 2) "try it on" as a volunteer or on part-time basis, then 3) commit to moving toward this new path with a solid financial plan, support of family and friends (and a coach if you'd like one), along with a step-by-step blueprint for what it will take to reinvent your career.

The Ultimate Outcome - Joy!

It's up to you to create a career that you love, and you can do it!  Start today.  Let the top five reasons you're miserable at work be the catalyst you need to change your career and change your life.  Trust me on this one...once you step up to creating a career that excites you, you'll reach new heights you never thought possible. 

About Kathy Caprino

Kathy Caprino, M.A., is a nationally-recognized women's career and executive coach, speaker, and author of Breakdown, Breakthrough: The Professional Woman's Guide to Claiming a Life of Passion, Power, and Purpose.  Founder/President of Ellia Communications, Inc. -- a career coaching company dedicated to helping women achieve breakthrough to create live and work as they truly want it, Caprino is a trained psychotherapist, seasoned career coach, and sought-after writer and speaker on women's issues.  She is a popular blogger on women's career topics and trends, and as a top media source, she has appeared in more than 100 leading newspapers and magazines and on national radio and television.  Her current national research study focuses on Women Succeeding Abundantly, and explores the key actions, beliefs, and choices made by women of all ages who are creating tremendous success and fulfillment in their lives and careers, thriving and living joyfully on their own terms. 

For more information on Ellia Communications'  breakthrough coaching programs and resources, please visit www.elliacommunications.com or write to Kathy at Kathy@elliacommunications.com.

Last week, I held a free teleclass for women on the "5 Reasons You're Miserable at Work and What To Do About It," based on key findings from my national research with scores of working women across the country and my book Breakdown, Breakthrough.  More than 90 women signed up for the call, and they confirmed yet again what so many women have been unable able to say out loud until now, which is, "I'm unhappy at work, but I'm not sure exactly why or what to do about it!"

Whether you are a corporate professional, self-employed or in transition, if you need to find a different way to work, don't worry. Help is on the way!  And you're definitely not alone.

Below are what I've found to be the top five reasons so many women are dissatisfied and unfulfilled at work, along with concrete tips to revise your situation and change course today.

The top 5 reasons women are miserable at work are -

1. They find it impossible to balance work and family

2. They suffer from chronic financial distress
3. They struggle using skills and talents that aren't "natural" to them
4. They feel chronically undervalued and disrespected
5. They experience little joy or positive meaning in their work

If the above describes your experience, here are some tips to help you create an internal shift away from feeling trapped and disempowered, to feeling more confident, courageous and committed to making positive career change today. (And feel free to write me at Kathy@elliacommunications.com if you'd like a download of the recording of the call).

Tips for Positive Career Change:

1) Gain More Work-Life Balance

Balance is not going to just fall in your lap.  You have to claim it, and commit to getting it.  How?  First, determine the three most important priorities you are committed to achieving in your personal and in your professional life.  What are the three things that are vital to you to bring about -- that matter more than anything else?  Formulate these in terms of "to be" statements such as "to be a loving mother or "to be a successful entrepreneur" or "to be a helper of others."

Uncover the three top achievements that you are longing to bring about in your life and work and that you will not compromise on.  Then commit yourself to these.  Discover where you are over-functioning (doing more than is necessary, more than is healthy, and more than is appropriate) in your life, your family, and work, and let go of being perfect in the areas that don't matter as much to you.  Once you take these steps, you'll find that balance comes more easily to you, because you are being guided each day by the knowledge of what you want to create, and knowing you are 1000% committed to doing it.

2) Get Healthy with Your Money

To get out of chronic financial distress, you must become intimately connected with your money and begin to recognize your real intrinsic worth.  First, create a solid budget with strong financial goals, and stick to it.  Examine your spending - are you buying things in order to soothe your soul?  If so, stop over-spending.  Look at your beliefs around money that you learned as a child from living with your family.  Are your beliefs about money positive or negative, expansive or constricting? Do you believe you deserve wealth and abundance, or are you ashamed of the money you have or don't have?  Overall, the key to overcoming chronic financial distress is to heal your relationship with money through positive and healthy beliefs, actions, and choices.  Once you create a supportive money relationship, you will no longer stay in jobs that create financial distress or drain you of joy and energy.  You'll know your worth, and begin claiming it, on your professional path and otherwise.

3) Use Skills that Are Fun and Natural - 

It's vitally important to understand exactly what talents and skills are easy and fun for you to use, and then find a way (either in your existing job or in a new field or job) to tap these talents more frequently at work.  To get more in touch with what you love to do and what comes easily, take my free Career Path Assessment.  Figure out what you want to do more of, less of, and never again!  Often, what you love to do and what comes easily to you were apparent in your childhood, so start there.  What did you thoroughly enjoy as a kid that people noticed, admired and praised?  You might also realize in doing this exercise that just because you're great at a task or endeavor at work doesn't mean you like to do it!  The key to an easier and happier work-life is to use talents that come naturally and are fun to you, so that each day feels like a joy, not a struggle.

4) Claim Your Self-Respect

If you're chronically undervalued or mistreated at work and want people to change their treatment of you, you must start with SELF-respect.  How do you gain self-respect?  Through courageous action that inspires your own self-esteem - action that you know you should be taking, but haven't found the nerve to take.  Now's the time to become more authentic and real in your work. Speak up about who you are and what's important to you.  Make yourself right, not wrong.  If you know something needs to be communicated, figure out a way to do it as soon as possible.  Find an advocate or mentor at work to help you speak up in the right way so that you will be heard and respected for your viewpoint.  Start enforcing your boundaries so that you know exactly what you will tolerate and accept from others, and what you won't. 

5) Find Work that Gives Your Life Joy and Meaning

It's a myth in our culture that we can't make good money doing what we love.  However, it takes grit, determination, and courage to pursue a path that you love and to make it work for you financially.  If you want more joy and meaning -- and financial success at the same time -- determine what endeavors and activities make you joyful in your life, and begin today to bringing these forward.  The key is to understand 1) the essence of what you want, and then 2) find the right form of it. For instance, you might love to sing (as I do), and wonder if singing to earn money would make you happy.  To find out if a new path is right for you, research, research, research - interview people in the field, read all about the art and craft of singing professionally, take classes, find a mentor, and determine a way to "try it on' before you leap.  You might discover that earning money singing as a full-time living isn't for you, but you love to do on a part-time or hobby basis.  If that's the case, join a volunteer or community singing group each week, and honor this as a heart-aligned endeavor. 

If you discover that you want a different line of work from your current job, create a plan that allows you to 1) research thoroughly what you want to do, 2) "try it on" as a volunteer or on part-time basis, then 3) commit to moving toward this new path with a solid financial plan, support of family and friends (and a coach if you'd like one), along with a step-by-step blueprint for what it will take to reinvent your career.

The Ultimate Outcome - Joy!

It's up to you to create a career that you love, and you can do it!  Start today.  Let the top five reasons you're miserable at work be the catalyst you need to change your career and change your life.  Trust me on this one...once you step up to creating a career that excites you, you'll reach new heights you never thought possible. 

In my personal experience, there were some very heavy blocks that kept me from realizing with clarity and confidence that I wanted out of my corporate marketing career, and from taking forward-moving action to get out.

 My blocks were:

1) Time - I had invested so much time in building a marketing career (18 years, in fact), that it seemed ludicrous to "throw it all away."

2) Ego - My ego told me that I had worked so hard to achieve a powerful position in the corporate hierarchy (in my last corporate position, I was a Vice President), that I didn't want to step back and be a beginner again, and lose so much ground

3) Confusion - If I were to chuck this professional identity, what would I do instead?  Despite years of trying to answer this question, I couldn't figure out.  Sure, I fantasized about being in the film industry or doing something exciting and glamorous - but what did I really want to do?  What would I do if I won the lottery?  I couldn't find a new path that made sense.

4) Money - I earned a lot, and believed I needed every cent of that to provide myself and my family the living we needed and wanted

5) Going against the pack - Most people in our lives want us to do the safe, reasonable and secure thing.  They don't want us to suffer, or to lose everything.  So they tell us - strongly and loudly - to play it safe. 

6) The unknown - finally, I didn't want to change because I wanted what I had to work out for me, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  Truthfully, I was scared to death to leap into the unknown.

Now, eight years into my career reinvention, I see things differently.  I can say that none of the reasons above are sufficient to keep you stuck in a career you hate.  Loosen the vice-like grip these fears have on your life, your soul, your mind, and your livelihood, and you'll find the courage and energy to begin to change your career, and change your life.

So here's a new way to look at the challenges above:

TIME:

Every minute you DON'T make the changes you long for, is a minute you spend holding yourself back from the growth and expansion that you know - deep down - that you need and want.  Also, after revising your career to something you like better, you'll find that you will use fully and joyfully each and every heart-felt talent and skill that you worked so hard to develop in the past.

EGO:

Achievements are - in the end -- meaningless if they don't resonate with your heart and soul.  Don't let your ego lead you around by the nose.  If it does, you'll find that your hard-won recognition and achievement will leave you feeling empty and sad.

CONFUSION:

Yes, it's hard to sort out the "sounds-great!" career change ideas from those that will really make you happy.  It's hard, but not impossible.  Find some great coaching and mentoring help today to do it.  Get unconfused.

MONEY:

We all want and need money.  The question is - how much do you truly need to make to be happy, fulfilled, and enjoy your life?  And what is your relationship with money - is it healthy and balanced, or are you a slave to it, addicted to having "things" surround you, because in fact, you feel depleted and joyless?

THE PACK:

The pack mentality is a fear-based, group think that doesn't support innovation, individuality, and risk.  So which type of person do you want to be- a pack-like follower, or a cutting-edge thinker and leader?

THE UNKNOWN:

Here's a fascinating truth- it's ALL unknown, folks.  If you think you've got it figured out, and that what you carved out for yourself is going to be constant and unchanging, please do think again.  Life is change.  The universe WILL deliver to you continual opportunities for you to experience your own adaptability and resilience.  So, what would you rather do - embrace your resilience and proactively find a new path now that brings you joy, or do nothing, and let life foist change on you?

If you truly want a career change, I hope you'll begin on a path today to making it happen.  Help is all around you!

I'd love to know what holds you back MOST from taking action to change your career, and what you need specifically to help you move forward? 

Please share your comments below - I LOVE your input (and it will help me deliver a fantastically powerful career-change program this summer)! 

Thank you!

Happy National Speak Up and Succeed Day!  (Thanks, Diane DiResta, for reminding me!)

As I do the work I do each day - giving seminars to women's groups or connecting with new colleagues to partner with, working with my support team or communicating with my clients - I've begun to notice something quite interesting about how people work.

There are two fundamental ways in which people attempt to expand themselves in the world.

These two ways are:

Collaborating with others in a respectful and empowering way, to help each other be all you both wish to be

Or

Attempting to crush out the competition through snarky, denigrating, and low-spirited tactics

Which approach are you engaged in?

The first approach encourages you to:

• Feel good in your interactions
• Expand your skills and know-how
• Experience yourself as purposeful and beneficial in your interchanges
• Learn more about how to do what you love to do and how you are special
• Discover new skills and endeavors you're capable of
• Grow faster and more effectively through positive synergy

The second approach encourages you to:

• Feel lousy and critical about your interactions
• Constrict your thinking about what you're capable of
• Mistake yourself as someone who is higher and more important in the hierarchy
• Believe that there simply isn't enough to go around
• Remain stuck in the jealous, insecure "Am I good enough?" mode
• Move slower, with less success, ease, and fulfillment

In short, collaboration allows you to Say Yes! to yourself, to others and to expanding yourself to what you truly long to do.  Fearful competition keeps you stuck in the constricting, "NO" mode.

How can you tell cut-throat competition when you see it?

Here are some key hallmarks:

1) Language and action that indicates, "I'm smarter, better, richer, more successful than you."

2) Over-selling - making a point over and over again so that the receiver ends up saying "OK already!"

3) Deep insecurity about being challenged or receiving constructive feedback

4) A lack of receptivity, compassion, and openness to learning from and being with others

5) An energy of "take, take, take" without giving back

6) A haughty or superior energy/attitude that says, "I'm father along the path than you, and you'll have to learn the hard way, like I did."

Be mindful about whom you choose to associate with in the world and how you go about getting what you want.  The "how" of your approach is more impactful than specific tactics you use.  Overall, if your colleagues, partners, and friends are individuals who make you and others feel great about themselves in an authentic and enlivening way, then they're on the right track, and so are you.

On the other hand, if you, your associates or friends are stuck in the diminishing, competitive "there's not enough to go around, and I'm getting my piece!" mode, it's time for a breakthrough to a collaborative spirit.  Without it, the path you're headed down will most certainly take you where you don't want to go.

In a powerful article in the Harvard Business Review called "Women and the Labyrinth of Leadership" authors and researchers Drs. Alice Eagly and Linda Carli explore women, leadership and gender equality, and observe that "signs of a pause in progress toward gender equality have appeared on many fronts."  They speculate about the causes of this slowing of progress, and indicate:

"It may simply be that women are collectively catching their breath before pressing for more change. In the past century, feminist activism arose when women came to view themselves as collectively subjected to illegitimate and unfair treatment.  But recent polls show less conviction about the presence of discrimination, and feminism does not have the cultural relevance it once had. The lessening of activism on behalf of all women puts pressure on each woman to find her own way."

This statement coincides precisely with what I've observed in my research with hundreds of working women over these past several years.  I've noticed that while throngs of women are more than willing to share their stories of traumatic challenge and crisis, they are not at all ready to stand up and fight for what they need and want. 

When I speak with executive women at Fortune 100 companies, for instance, the depth of despair is palpable about how challenging and out of control their lives are, but the courageous stand-up-and-fight mentality is not present.  They're still afraid to speak up.

An inspiring friend and colleague of mine, Krista Reiner, who supports authors in expanding their platforms and audiences to the next level, asked me today, "Does there have to be crisis and conflict in order for change to come about?"  I say yes, because change is incredibly difficult and frightening to most people.  Significant social change comes only after struggle and conflict.  Social change is generated when there is a collective commitment to bringing about a dramatic shift away from what is no longer tolerable, fair, or viable.

If you think about yourself and all the women you know, how would you answer these questions?

- By and large, are we fulfilled with our lives and our careers?

- If not, are we taking solid, powerful action to change our lives?

- Do we know what we want, and have a plan to get it?

When I went through my worst heartbreaking and crushing crises in the late 1990s up through 9/11, I'd have to answer the above questions with a resounding "NO!"  I was miserable and chronically sick, but despite some feeble efforts here and there, I simply didn't take enough forward-moving action to create any real change at all. 

Why?  Because deep down, I didn't want to do it.  I wanted what I had to work for me.  I didn't want to give up all that I thought I'd achieved after years of hard work (money, "security," self-esteem from being an executive, power, etc.).  What I know now is that the very things that held me hostage in a crushing life were the things I was most afraid of giving up.

If this resonates with you, I hope and pray that you'll take some courageous action today.  Let's activate ourselves toward change - let's become activists in our own lives.  Please don't wait until you have one of the hidden crises (or all 12 - as I did) that working women face today.  Please...take action and make a change and speak up for your life today.

I'd love to hear your views about what holds you back from making change in your life.  Are you too stressed to do it, or just catching your breath?  Is change just around the corner for you or do you have to fight for it?   Please share your thoughts. 

I hold onto the belief that a breakthrough movement for women is just one breath away.  Let's take the breath.

Lately, I've been asked to coach and speak with hundreds of working women each month around the issue of work-life balance and time management. 

Women are more stressed, strained and sick than ever, as these economic times have hit families, workplaces and corporate America so very hard.  If women's plates were full before, now they're piled sky-high, and teeter-tottering on the edge of the table, ready to crash onto the floor, breaking into a million pieces.

I have strong viewpoints (founded by years of direct high-level corporate experience, coaching work with thousands, and national research with women) about work-life balance and why women can't have it as their lives are today, unless they claim it.

My views aren't easy to hear or take in, but are important for women nonetheless, so here they are:

You won't ever have work-life balance or come even close to it, unless you power yourself up to get it.  Here's what's necessary:

1) You've got to fight for it.

Corporate America was built on the foundations of a "white male competitive career model" that simply doesn't fit women.  Jack Welch's recent comments about women and balance are old-fashioned, outmoded, and out of touch - they don't reflect the future, and what's going to be the new frontier for corporate America.  In the not so distant future (hopefully in our lifetimes), there will be a new model - one that makes room for women and for what they must have in order to live and thrive.  But we've got to fight for it.

If you're in corporate America at a mid to high level, for instance, and are being asked to do the impossible (do the work of three people, work until 3am, produce reports and analyses that are an utter waste of time but take hundreds of collective hours each month to prepare, come in for 8am meetings that are meaningless, and unproductive, etc.), then you MUST speak up.  You must fight for what's right and sensible and good business practice.  If your team is breaking down and so are you, then you simply can't continue this way.  You must speak up and fight.

If you can't speak up on your own (because you'll be crushed down by the machine), then find another way to make your voice heard.  Build a collective forum of women who can speak together, or find empowered female and male mentors and leaders who can speak for you.  Or go outside the company to networking meetings and events (and by the way, continually interview at other companies to keep your options and your mind open), and learn from others how they are making a positive difference, and making it work.

(FYI, for those men and women who wish to be advocates for other women in their workplaces, here is a list of initiatives that employers must take to support women in the workforce today).
 
Things won't change unless you fight for them to.  Fight for what's right and necessary for your health, sanity, and for good business practice, or you'll end up feeling so exhausted, beaten down, and demoralized that you'll drop out of the game.  That's fine, if you're doing it consciously, with awareness and choice. 

Which path do you want to take?  Which path do you consciously choose?  I know you believe you don't have any options right now, but you always have options and choices.  Figure out what they are.

2) You've got to ask for help at home, and deal with the consequences

You simply can't feel healthy and balanced when you're working like a dog at your job, and then come home and work like a dog there too.  It's not possible.

You must ask your spouse, children and others for support, to do their share, to step up to their responsibilities as fully-functioning members of the household.  And/or you need to hire help where it's essential and where you can.  Your husband may complain and say he can't do any more.  If that's what he says, it's critical to sit down together and analyze at the distribution of labor, and make it fairer.  It's up to you to do this.  He won't volunteer for this.

If you're an overfunctioner (doing more than what's necessary, healthy or appropriate - and the vast majority of women are), then your family and friends are used to you overfunctioning, and they (subconsciously) don't want you to stop. 

You have to shift yourself first - internally - and commit to stop doing too much, and decide what you'll scale back on, then do it.  Next, you'll have to deal with your family's initial anger and anxiety that suddenly, you're not doing everything.  It destabilizes the family dynamic at first, when you shift into doing only what's appropriate -- not more -- and it's not easy.  But you'll find a new stability, and they'll get over it, and so will you. 

You'll feel better, stronger, happier, less angry, and more like yourself again when you stop doing EVERYTHING.  But you must strengthen your boundaries so that you can handle the fear, insecurity, guilt and shame you'll feel initially at not being everything to everyone.

3) Stop being angry and start being accountable.

Finally, it's time to stop feeling angry, disrespected, depressed, resentful, overburdened, victimized, and powerless.  If you experience these emotions regularly, your life is asking you to grow, strengthen, and be accountable for how you are living and what you're creating.  No more excuses.

I know how hard this is to accomplish.  Just this morning, I blew it again, and got really angry for doing more than I should have for my children - I should have asked my husband to step in and help, but I didn't ask.  That's a common trait in me that I must be ever vigilant to detect, weed out, and revise.  I tend to get angry and yell when I'm overwhelmed and exhausted, but after I calm down, I see clearly how I simply offered (out of feeling like I HAD to) to do too much that day, and then blamed everyone else for it.  This type of behavior is very deeply rooted and dies hard, let me tell you.

So, my friends, today's the day.  Let's all figure out:

1) What specifically and concretely you are angry and exhausted about

2) What are you taking on that's too much - more than is healthy, appropriate and necessary

3) Why are you doing it?  What are your deepest fears around not doing everything, and being everything? What consequences are you deeply afraid of, if you say "no"?

4) To whom do you need to speak up?  What must you let go of?

5) If you're in a job that chronically works you to the bone, and no one listens to your pleas and demands for moderation, I'd suggest this:

•  Figure out what you really want for your professional and family life
•  Look at the real options at hand - get yourself out of your box and look at what's truly possible
•  Make a plan to get what you want
•  Power Up and Stand Up for yourself - strengthen yourself, your voice and your boundaries
•  Find an empowered outside helper/mentor/coach to help you create the life you really want

Today's action step - Don't waste another minute blaming someone else.  It's your life - claim it.  What one person, action, or limiting, negative belief can you say NO to, today?

Running a coaching and consulting company dedicated to helping women achieve breakthrough in their lives and work, I meet thousands of folks each year who want to reinvent, many of whom are considering launching a coaching or consulting practice, or other small business of their own.  They long to transition into coaching for solid reasons, and many come with great, top-level experience. 

As a career consultant, I help people evaluate if launching a coaching practice or other venture seems a viable step for them first by conducting a thorough assessment of their goals, abilities, preferences, personality, values, mission, purpose, and long-term plans.  As my book publicist Patti Danos asked me when I was launching my book Breakdown, Breakthrough, I ask my clients, "What do you want, and what do you really want, in doing this?"

After such an assessment, I have often recommended in the past, "Looks like it makes sense at this time to move forward, and that you've got a strong grasp of what's required.  Go for it!" 

Now, however, in these intensely challenging times, I ask this new question, "Are you ready and able to do what it takes to make this successful? Are you 3000% committed?"

About becoming a coach, the average income of a life coach in the U.S. today is between $30,000 - $40,000.  Only 10% to 20% or so make six-figure incomes, and many more life coaches don't make anywhere near $30,000.  It's not an easy path, and clients simply will not fall in your lap.  Success requires time, action, commitment, and a good number of top level skills to differentiate yourself, and to generate a large enough community to continue to fill your pipeline of paying clients.

A coach from the largest coaching organization in the world told me last week that of all the folks that reach out to them to pursue coaching, only 40% are truly "coachable," and of those, only 30% end up signing up for services.  Those stats apply to my business as well.

I realized this week something that feels like a real "aha" to me - coaching is for a group or culture that is at the highest level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs - the level of self-actualization.  Today, however, our economic strife has pushed millions of people us down several levels of the hierarchy - to the level of "safety" -- so that their primary focus now is on financial safety and security. 

If you're interested in starting a practice/business as a life coach during these times, I'd ask you to seriously evaluate yourself, your abilities and talents, your passion for this, and your commitment to launching and maintaining a thriving practice/business.  These questions apply to you if you're considering any entrepreneurial, small business, or consulting endeavor as well:

Ask yourself the following questions:

·         What must I earn each year, to achieve the standard of living I need?  What have I earned before (and if I want to top that, what will I do differently)?

·         What's my risk tolerance?  Can I tolerate a lack of stability, fluidity, and security?

·         What is my relationship with money today?  How do I deal with it, earn it, save it, invest it and grow it?  Are my actions around money, and feelings, and views powerful and healthy?  Are you committed to making the living you want?

·         What is motivating me - consciously and subconsciously - to want to be a life coach?  Is there anything I'm running from that I need to address first?

·         If I do everything I can to make my practice work for three to five years, and $30,000 remains my income, will this be acceptable and viable for my life and family?  If not, what will be my plan to grow myself, my knowledge and skill set -- to be part of the minority segment of high-earners in the coaching field?

·         Do I have the abilities, courage, confidence, perseverance and commitment to undertake all the facets of running a thriving practice/business, including: client development, networking, social media, marketing, branding, speaking, workshops, writing, business and financial leadership, and providing top-notch client services - all in one?  If not, where will I get support, learn new skills, and how will I fund this growth?

·         Am I able to figure out what I don't know or what I'm not good at, and get help all along the way to fill in my knowledge, power, and business gaps?

·         Are you ready to give up a "build it and they will come" mentality, and step up to what it takes to run a successful business/practice?

·         Finally, what are you looking for - a job or a calling?

I ask you to address these questions not to discourage you from following your dreams, but to present a realistic picture of what's essential in running a successful business today.  If you conduct a deep exploration of your answers to these questions and come up ready to move forward to pursue life coaching as your career, fantastic!!  If not, then perhaps other avenues and outcomes of career reinvention are more suited to you, and will make you happier and more fulfilled.

If you do wish to move forward into life coaching, I'd say it's time for you to explore it further and embrace the possibility. 

Here are some first great steps:

1)       Research, research, research what it will take (start first with the International Coach Federation) and explore training programs, resources, and other coaches' businesses and models.  Find a successful life coach to hire who could serve as your mentor business coach.  My specific tip here: Use a business coach who has already achieved what you long to.  (For info on the difference between a "mentor" coach and an "implementation" coach, stayed tuned to my upcoming posts.)

2)       Get powerful with your money today - don't wait.  Gain a thorough grasp of your financial situation - what you need to earn, what you spend, what you can cut back on, how you will fund your reinvention, and so on.  Get a great financial consultant to help you sort out your situation, and set realistic, stretching goals.  Get out of denial, and get powerful with your finances.

3)       "Go where the energy is" - observe yourself in the process of exploring this path.  Does it feel exciting, energizing, enlivening, or daunting and discouraging?  For you to make a go of this, the predominant feeling needs to be excitement, possibility, and passion.

4)       Receive training and education  - nothing moves us forward faster than powerful training and education to help us be and know more than we do today.  Don't skip that step.  Coaching training and business skill development are absolutely vital to teach you how to be the best coach, and business owner, you can be.

5)       Develop a sound business plan with concrete marketing strategies.  Find a great non-profit organization (such as SCORE the Women's Business Development Center, or Count Me In) in your area, to help you create powerful business and marketing tactics, and a plan, to make your endeavor successful.

6)       Finally, take my four steps to breakthrough:

-          Step Back for an empowered outside perspective on where you are, and what you dream of doing

-          Let Go of the thinking, behaviors, and patterns that have been keeping you stuck and holding you back in the past

-          Say Yes! to your compelling visions.  If you really want to do this, then commit yourself 3000% to doing what it takes to be successful.

-          Create It!  Develop a solid plan, complete with goals, outcomes, and milestones against which to measure your progress.  If you don't plan it, you'll have a very tough time creating it, or generating the necessary energy you need to build it.

For added support, sign up for my newsletters and my blog on career and life breakthrough to give you some ongoing assistance and resources.

Life coaching is a fabulously exciting and rewarding field.  Here's to embracing your inner (and outer) coach, and being financially and emotional successful doing it!