May 2009 Archives

I've spent a good number of years researching the crises of working women today, and how we can overcome them.  In the process I've learned so much about what it means to craft a rewarding, fulfilling professional and personal life on your own terms.

One fascinating trend I've observed in working women is something I call "overfunctioning" (a helpful concept I learned in my training as a marriage and family therapist).  Overfunctioning is doing more than is necessary, more than is healthy, more than is appropriate - for everyone around you at work and at home.  (For more on this tendency in women, see pages 180-1 of my book Breakdown, Breakthrough)

Why do we overfunction, and how can we step out the cycle, to reclaim our energy and our lives?

Please check out this recent great blog post, "How to Be a Super Woman Without Being Superwoman" on WorkIt, Mom! for more on overcoming our Superwoman tendencies.  It ain't easy, but it's definitely worth the effort to shed the cape and give it a rest.

Here's to functioning that's just right!

I recently penned a cover article called "Women in Today's Workforce Have Unique Opportunities: A New Call to Action for Women - And Employers" (see page 20-24) for CA Employer, the monthly newsletter of Employers Group (www.employersgroup.com). 

 

The article shares critical information about the 12 common crises working women face today, as well as 8 recommended approaches for employers to take that will help women not only survive the current challenges they face, but ultimately thrive in their professional roles.  These recommendations are based on six years of research with professional women, as well as coaching and seminar work with thousands.

 

I'd love to hear your views about this article, and my recommendations.  Do your personal experiences as a working woman match the crises and challenges I describe?  And do you believe that the initiatives recommended would go the distance in helping you as a working woman overcome your challenges effectively?  If not, what would you suggest employers do - specifically and tactically - to support women in overcoming the obstacles they face.

 

Please share your experiences, insights and viewpoints.  Add your voice to the discussion, and your recommendations to the research.  Diversity of thinking is so vital today, and a real, authentic, and contemporary dialogue about what career women are facing is needed.

 

Thank you speaking up and being an active participant in this powerful breakthrough movement for women.

This week, several friends and clients have mentioned to me that they've been severely criticized for their views and standpoints.   Anyone who has stood up for something they believe in -- and been attacked for it -- knows it's challenging at best, devastating at worst.

 

What should you do if you've been harshly demeaned or criticized for your thoughts and views?

 

Here are five tips that have helped me tremendously as an author, speaker, and women's advocate, to weather the storm of criticism, and come out on the other side feeling whole and confident:

 

1)       Remember, what people say is more about them than you

I learned in my therapy training that what comes out of someone's mouth is more about them than you.  Much more.  Their views and words represent (and project) their years of cultural training, experience, upbringing, traumas, lessons, and biases (as well as their insights and wisdom based on their unique filter and history).  So remember that each individual has a custom-tailored view of life that may or may not fit your own.  It doesn't have to.

 

2)       People who attack you are coming from a deeply fearful place

When someone attacks you verbally, they are coming from a deeply insecure and frightened place.  They've been rocked by what you've said and done, and feel they need to put you down.  Take a look at what you've said (and how you've said it) that may have instigated a defensive stance from someone else.  But remember that you don't have to own how they respond to you.

 

3)       When someone wants to make you wrong for your beliefs, they often feel threatened by your out-of-the box thinking

I've noticed that when I present thinking that is different from the status-quo, it can lead to a harsh challenge.  Presenting views that ask others to question how things have been done for years, or shed light on trends or behaviors that need to be critically examined and revised, can ruffle people's feathers.  They feel threatened that you want to expose something they'd prefer to remain hidden.  So be it.  But don't let that stop you.

 

4)       Narcissists in our world abound

Narcissism is rampant in our society (those of you who live and work with one know what I mean!).  A narcissistic individual can't tolerate being challenged, and needs to make you wrong if you disagree with them.  They'll go to tremendous lengths to "prove" they are right (and superior).  If you have a narcissist in your life or work, you feel you can't express yourself without being punished.  Pay attention to those who harshly criticize you for your different views - if they have narcissistic tendencies, realize that you can't win with them.  Don't engage, as it will prove only a lose/lose endeavor.  Just protect (and extract) yourself best you can from their harmful way of thinking and behaving.

 

5)       Finally, use it as a growth opportunity 

Stand up for what you believe in.  When others don't agree with you, don't doubt yourself and make yourself wrong.  Get connected to what you truly believe in, strengthen your boundaries, learn to deal effectively with rebukes, and remain steady in who you are and what you believe. 

 

But at the same time, use this criticism for your own learning and growth.  If your words have been hurtful and diminishing to others, perhaps it's time to look at what may be longing to be healed or addressed inside of you.  Reconnect to compassion, understanding, and inclusion in your thoughts and words (and in your relationship with yourself and others).  Our world needs much less judgment, criticism, and pain, and much more love, strength, compassion, inclusiveness, and respect.

 

If you've been criticized harshly, take some time to fully explore your part in it and what you can learn from it.  In the process, show compassion for yourself and others, grow from the lesson, accept that you (and everyone else) is doing the best they can...then move forward.

I was very happy to see that in a recent NY Times article, the widespread phenomenon of women bullying other women at work was explored in depth.  It touched on the various factors that contribute to and exacerbate women bullying women, and I'd like to add my two cents.

 

In my 18-year corporate life, I experienced a great deal of bullying from women, most of which came from female bosses and a handful of "equals" in the political hierarchy.  These experiences were traumatic, and I had no clue how to effectively navigate through them, mostly because they were so surprising and painful, and also because these women wielded great power and authority in the organization.  It felt like these ladies were "out to get me" or simply relished being cruel, but I always questioned how or why this could be.

 

I was, for the most part, strong and authoritative at work, and often, that strength would beget jealousy and anger from my female coworkers (interestingly, not from my male colleagues or bosses, who seemed to enjoy and respect the strength and confidence).

 

Once, one of my female counterparts in marketing indicated to me - in a cruel way - that an email I had sent to senior management (about my belief that we needed to explore a new business model as the current one was at risk of obsolescence), had been the "nail in my coffin."  I hadn't known I was in a coffin!  I realize now that she was an active participant in building this "coffin" and driving the nail even further with her mighty hammer!

 

Please don't get me wrong - I'm no saint.  I did my share of back-stabbing too.  But after years of work (therapy training helped!), I've gained critical awareness of when I'm at risk of putting other women down.  Also, I feel better about myself than I did in the past, which makes room for empathy and compassion rather than cruelty.  I have a new-found vigilance about not allowing that cruel, back-stabbing, insecure little girl in me get the better of me, when I feel afraid or threatened.  I slip up sometimes, but I'm working on it.

 

So why do women hurt other women at work?  I could write a whole book about this, but I believe there are some potent underlying reasons:

 

·     Women are experiencing enormous pressure and stress (more now than ever), and haven't learned effective ways to deal with it, so they turn on others

·     Women target other women because they feel insecure, and also believe women won't fight back as hard as men will

·     Women continually feel threatened and anxious in their positions in the workplace, and have a mentality of  "it's you or me" with regard to women

·     Corporations, from the top, often encourage this type of competitive warfare and infighting

·     There are precious few forums for women at work to experience each other as supportive, empathetic, and encouraging

·     From an early age, girls/women have been culturally trained to deal with their anger and insecurity through insidious ways -- back-stabbing and gossiping, etc. -- rather than dealing with their problems and conflicts head-on, directly, and overtly.

 

I'd love to see in my lifetime a reversal of this damaging trend for women at work (and in the world at large).  Can women evolve, stretch, and grow to the point where their deepest wish is to help and support other women, rather than hurt and diminish them? Can they learn to deal with their own insecurities and anxieties in more positive ways?

 

What do you think is at the heart of women bullying women at work, and what can we do about it?  Please share - we need to fuel a powerful dialog on this issue, and continue to create positive movement.

 

After spending eight years reinventing myself from a corporate VP to an entrepreneur, women's career and life coach, author, speaker and women's work-life expert, I've made a good number of huge mistakes and missteps that have tripped me up, and at times, caused me to hang my head in my hands in despair.  I don't believe in regret, and I do think that each and every one of these lessons has made me stronger, more expansive, more connected to who I really am, and ultimately more confident in my abilities to direct my life with satisfaction and joy.

 

Here are what I've learned are the top five mistakes to avoid when in career transition and embarking on professional reinvention.  I've lived through these mistakes myself, and am stronger for it...but you don't have to!

 

Mistake #1:

Don't have a "build it and they will come" mentality without utilizing powerful financial, professional, and business-building tactics and strategies

 

Don't make the mistake of confusing wishful thinking with powerful strategies for moving forward.  Certainly, faith and optimism are essential, but so are sound business and professional goals, plans and tactics, developed with deep know-how and expertise (your own or a great consulting partner), fueled by conscious intention and fierce commitment.

 

Mistake #2:

Don't underestimate how long it will take you to build a successful new career

 

Leave your ego at the door when you're evaluating how long full reinvention will take.  Get advice from true experts in the field on the amount of time it will take to launch your new career, and make it very successful.  It's been said that becoming an expert in a field takes 10 years (I believe that's true), and creating a self-sustaining small consulting practice often takes at least five years.

 

Mistake #3:

Don't neglect having a Plan B, and moving to it when it's time

 

In my book Breakdown, Breakthrough, I talk about what it takes to reinvent yourself.  Often it requires that you simply refuse to let in (mentally, emotionally, or spiritually) the possibility that you will fail (see Chapter 11 about the amazing comedian Monique Marvez's journey to hell and back).  If you want something badly enough, most likely you'll find a way to get it.  However, if you have a family to support, and other critical financial and other obligations that you feel you must fulfill in life, then you need a Plan B that will get you through the tough financial times.  Use Plan B to help you stay afloat while all along moving forward to your career dreams.

 

Mistake #4

Don't wait too long to correct your course when you misstep or discover steps on your new path that are wrong for you

 

Set milestones ("I will achieve this by this date," etc.), and review your progess frequently.   If you're way off course, you need to course-correct.  Also, if where you're going ends up feeling wrong, don't keep going in the same direction.  Don't make yourself "wrong" for how you feel.   Realize a change is necessary, and power up to make that change.

 

Mistake #5

Don't forget: A fantastic life takes fantastic risks

 

There's an enormous difference between a "job" and a "calling."  Neither is better or worse - it simply depends on what you want for your life, based on your values and priorities.  If it's a calling you wish to follow, know now that it will require everything you've got to give, and then some.  Please don't expect a fantastic life without understanding that you must risk a great deal to live your life on the cutting edge of experience.

 

Other lessons I've learned through my eight-year reinvention:

 

1. There will be times (many, in fact) that you have no idea what to do, and despite all your efforts, you fail at the task at hand
2. If you don't remain "teachable" at all times, you'll suffer
3. If you think you're immune (to anything - the economy, challenges in the workplace, problems in building your business to a satisfactory level) you're wrong
4. When you lose your compassion for others who are challenged in their reinvention or in their efforts to launch themselves successfully, you'll suddenly experience something that brings you back to humility
5. You'll need faith, patience, and perseverance in greater supply than you ever thought possible
6. It's not all up to you
7. Reaching out for help is essential when you're not where you want to be
8. Being part of a like-minded community that offers support, guidance, and encouragement is a blessing and a good business strategy
9. Career reinventing is a life-long process (not a one-time deal), and once you embark on it, it changes you forever.  It's a process that leads you to feel so appreciative of all that you are - flaws, gifts, strengths, blindspots and all - and so excited for each new day that brings you closer to yourself.
10. Reinvention is not for the faint of heart, but oh my...if you're up for it, what gifts it brings.

Wishing you many a very happy reinvention!